Purpose ↬ Zaniel Heavey

7

z a c h a r y
"Hey Daniel," I walked in, greeting him in hopes of one of these times he'll actually reply. Every time before I enter the room, I cross my fingers, close my eyes and hope for him to be awake once I open that door. But he never is.

"I got you some flowers, I've noticed you haven't gotten any in a while." I set the vase next to his head, admiring their delicacy. "Now, I'm not as basic as whoever that 'J' is who sent you those roses."

I moved the vase slightly, making sure it's right in the centre. "I got you lilacs instead." I said. "They're way prettier than roses in my opinion, they're my favourite type of flower."

I sat at the edge of his bed, "I mean look at them, the colour is so beautiful." Once I realized what I was saying, I slowly shook my head in amusement. "Damn, my gay is really showing today huh?"

I suddenly remembered, "oh, yeah. I haven't really said it to you yet, but I'm gay." I blinked at him, expecting a reaction but of course getting nothing. I wish other people acted like that when they found out.

"Are you gay? Hmm... maybe." I stared at him for a few minutes. "I'm still convinced you have a French girlfriend. But if you did... then why hasn't she come to visit you yet?"

"That means you're single! Gosh, I hope you are. But wait... who's that J person again?" I took a deep breath after speaking too fast. I was usually a quiet person, but around him everything roars inside me.

"But I bet that if you're gay you would be the dominant one..." I bit my lip. "Damn, I wouldn't mind you dominating me." Once I realized what I said, I facepalmed myself. "I'm sorry, that was too sexual."

"Anyways, moving on..." I said awkwardly. "How about I tell you my coming out story today?" No answer obviously, but I went on. "Warning, it's a little sad." I giggled faintly.

I took a deep breath. I haven't told this story to anyone besides Corbyn. I hesitated before grabbing his hand. I placed it in my lap and toyed with his fingers nervously.

"Okay so... a few years ago, I had the biggest crush on this boy named Jonah." I let out another shaky breath. "I hadn't come out yet, but I sent him hints. And soon he began picking up on them."

Flashback.

"So are you coming tonight?" Jonah asked. "I don't know yet..." I said unsurely. "You should, it'll be fun, I promise." He slowly convinced me. Truth is, I'd follow him anywhere. "Okay, I will."

Once night time rolled around, I packed my bag and walked over to Eben's house that was a few blocks down. When I arrived, Jonah was already there.

"You guys pick a movie while I grab the popcorn." Eben said as he left us in the room alone. Jonah sat next to me on Eben's bed. "Which movie do you wanna watch?" I asked.

"Actually," Jonah took the remote out of my hand and set it down. "I want to talk to you about something first." I gulped as he got closer. "I've been noticing recently... the way you stare at me during class, the way you smile every time you see me, the way you blush when I compliment you."

My heart stopped beating. He knows. "I'm sorry," I found myself apologizing for no reason. As if my feelings are something that I should be sorry for. "No, don't apologize."

I was confused, my breath hitched in my throat. Jonah moved even more and leaned his face closer to mine. He quickly glanced at my lips before he spoke, "I think I feel it too."

I was in pure shock when he closed the space between us and kissed me. My heart drowned with happiness, but it obviously couldn't last. "Ew! What are you doing?" Eben shouted.

I jolted away from Jonah, my heart completely stopping at this point. "Why the hell did you kiss me? Ew!" Jonah wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, a look of disgust on his face.

"I didn't kiss him, he kissed me!" I was still basically speaking to myself, but it felt good to vent. "He made the first move. He was the one who said he liked me."

"I still remember the look of disgust on his face. He broke me. And after that, things were never the same." I sighed as I went on. "And within the next few days, the news about me being gay had travelled around school."

"People gave me dirty looks, and stopped talking to me too. But what Eben and his friends did was worse. It started with a few mean comments, then it went to a few shoves, until it ended with beatings."

I felt my tears on the way. "It hurts to be hit, but nothing hurt more than seeing Jonah watching me from the sidelines. He would stand in the corner and witness them hurt me, but he never stopped it."

"And just like that, I was destroyed. I would lay awake at night, the wounds would hurt, but not as much as the emotional ones. And to think, that I ever loved someone who would allow all of that to happen to me."

I cried, my tears now falling onto Daniel's hand. "N-now he's apologizing and chasing after me. As if the word 'sorry' could ever heal me. No body can cure me now."

I shook my head at my pathetic self. There I was, spilling my feelings out to a boy who was practically dead, while crying. "I'm sorry, I always do this." I stood up.

"I swear I have a therapist, I don't know why I find myself telling you all these stories. If you were awake, you'd hate me by now." I laughed though my tears and wiped them away.

I went back to him and took his hand in mine. It was limp, to the point where if I let go it'd fall right back down. "Goodnight Daniel," before I left, I placed a soft kiss on his hand.

Why do I always make myself cry while writing this book ooof !! Oh & Zachary got a tattoo... I'm not oKaY.

- dolanschonce