Ella's Story ( Devil's Angels MC #1 )

Chapter 17

~ Its four days before the year anniversary of Beast's disappearance. ~

Its the 19th of December. Its almost a year since Beast disappeared. The closer it gets, the more it hurts me. The more I want to just lay in bed and cry and cry and cry or sleep. It feels like my heart has been ripped out all over again, just like that night.

Joey is almost three months old. And I have to keep going for him. I have to get up, get him ready for the day, feed him, change him, care for him. He depends on me and right now, he's the only thing keeping me moving forward.

I wipe my eyes of the tears and stand. I walk over to Joey who has been very quiet the past few days, almost as if he knows something is wrong. He hasn't cried like, really cried in almost a week, only whined when he needed something. I leaned over the rails and lifted him, I went into the kitchen and made his bottle and sat down to feed him.

About five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I stood and used my chin to the hold the bottle for Joey as I opened the door. It was Joseph, Beast's brother the second oldest after Beast.

"Um, hi, come in, come in." I say moving to side for him to come in.

He smiles at me and walks in slowly and looks around, "Just like Beast left it." He whispers.

"Yeah, I haven't had a chance to change it yet and I don't really want to anyhow." I explain.

He turns and looks at me, "Its that," he stops and takes a breath, "Its that Joey?"

I look down at him and see he's done with his bottle, "Yes. If you want, you can burp him." I offer.

Josephs eyes widen and he shakes his head and takes a step backwards, "No way. I did that once for Stan and he barfed all over my shoulder and back."

I laugh at his memory and sit down on the recliner and turn Joey to were I'm holding his neck and gently pat his back until he burps. I turn him around and begin to rock.

"So, why are you here?" I ask looking up to Joseph who's staring at Joey and I.

He shakes his head and then looks at me his eyes just like his grandfathers, "I actually have no idea. I, well my whole family has wanted to come here to see Joey but I'm the first." He stumbles over his words.

I can only say, "Oh."

He nods, "Yeah, yeah. Look, I miss Beast. We all do but our parents are hard asses and only want to see the bad shit he's done and none of the good, and part of that good is Joey."

"I know Joseph, you don't have to explain it. I've seen your Mom and Dad at his grave several times. We just have to give them time and they'll come around, just like you." I tell him.

"I wish they would hurry the hell up. Beast was always a good older brother. He protected us younger ones and tried to keep us as safe as possible. He loved you, well I think he did at least. And I don't mean in the year you two had together, he loved you even before that. Before he was kicked out of the house. He would always talk about you and your hair, he would say it was like looking at a baby Doll. And then he came up with 'Belly'. You were maybe, two years old and both our families were together for something, and you had just learned where your belly was and you kept walking around to everyone and pointing at your belly and saying, 'my belly' and then would point at theirs and say 'you belly'." He laughs and then starts crying.

"I miss him Ella. What the hell am I supposed to do without my brother?" He sobs.

I stand and put Joey in his swing and then sit next to Joseph, "I know its hard. Trust me, I understand." I put my arm around his shoulder and hug him, "but Beast wouldn't want us to cry and stop living our lives. He loved you and your brothers and parents too. He always wanted the best for all of you, and that means moving on. Remember him for the good he did, and laugh at the dumb stuff he did but don't recall bad things okay? I know you miss him, because I do too. I miss him so much. I miss sleeping next to him and knowing no matter what I'd be safe. I miss waking up to see him still sleeping and being able to just look at him. I miss his eyes. I miss him leaving his damn riding boots by the couch and making the floor a mess because he'd just gotten home from a ride. I miss going on rides with him. I miss his laugh, and growl and his deep voice. And I hate the fact he won't ever see Joey. Won't see him grow up and get a girlfriend or get his first bike or go on his first ride. I hate that he won't ever be able to hold him, or yell at him, or laugh with him. I hate that Joey won't ever know the good man his father was. And I know how much your heart aches for him. I know you miss drinking with him, and I know you miss wrestling. But we have to move on. We have to live our lives still." I pause to wipe the tears from my face and take a breath, "We have to live for Beast, okay?"