"I hate the fact you are all fine and dandy, while I struggle to juggle between my self-identity and this damn drama character. It's engulfing me by the days. How can you block it all out? Are you so effing dense or is your heart made of marble?"
**...
I kissed her but thought of your lips. I held her from behind but remembered the warmth of your back. I slept with her but imaged you.
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Get out from my head, Knock! Let me be, fucking bastard! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Yet mung!
How much longer are you going to continue haunting me like this? Let me breath a little! It has become so much harder to deal with lately. Damn this desire! Damn this twisted movie-real life confusion! Must I call it quit?
Two seasons completed, the third is almost half way through. We see each other nearly everyday. Why are you still bothering me off-set?
Whenever you came to me in my sleep, I would wake her up and make love to her until I no longer thought of you. But now it's not working. It is not working! I still picture your face, your back, your neck. I still smell your sweaty cologne and hairspray. I still feel your skin rubbing against mine. I still hear your moans, your fast breathing. I still silently call your name when the orgasm comes. I kissed her but thought of your lips. I held her from behind but remembered the warmth of your back. I slept with her but imaged you.SoI am fucking frustrated at you!
I hate the fact you are all fine and dandy, while I struggle to juggle between my self-identity and this damn drama character. It's engulfing me by the days. How can you block it all out? Are you so effing dense or is your heart made of marble?
You would show up at the set all cheerful and bubbly every time. Me? I would feel a giant notch in my stomach each of those times, the notch caused by having to contract my muscles in order to prevent myself from screaming your name and running toward you. I tried to avoid your eye contact because it would make my heart tremble. Instead, I would look at your lips to concentrate better on what you were saying. But those damn dangerous lips kept provoking me. Sometimes I thought my intense stare would burn a hole on your lips. So, I would often stand behind you, to hide from it all.
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After BR, I started to notice my tendency to make physical contact with you, EVEN when we were on cameras. We just sat on a couch for an interview, and I would freaking find my hand caressing your knee through the cut on you jeans. I was talking to a fan in front of me, and my left hand would reach over to grab your right arm. You simply swang your elbow over my shoulder for the cameras at the airport, and my fingers would automatically extend to hold on to your fingers. You turned over to look at me when you spoke, and my hand would reach up to touch your chin. I did not intend to do any of that. Were you aware? It was not meant for fan service! Those were my reflexes. And it got even worse after finishing TWM.
After watching our fan-cams on Youtube, she would say that you and I acted so well to maintain our BL couple image. I would smirk at her comments and went into another room, trying to rub you off my mind.
