"Hold my pliers"-me
"I love the smell of mornin spam in the morning"-me and bald best friend
"People in the 1980's didn't know how to use ladders."-my neighbor
"Welp...this is my family..."-me
"I am the uncorn"-also me
"Beans!" -me
"I DONT KNOW HOW TO WORK OK GOOGLE"-me
"YOU OWE ME BREADSTICKS NOW"-me also
"I always herd that a mother always wears combat boots not the daughter"-some guy in Walmart talking about my boots
"Who else did she get it from"-what my mom said in reply
"Hold my hotdog" -me
"At least I don't look like a clown with all that makeup"-girl from my math class who made another girl cry
"QUEER HERE SORRY BOTH OF THOSE" me when the teacher was taking attendance
"she drank out of a sippy cup for water and a boob for milk"-my mom
"If he does that he might have all his intestines shoot out of his nutsack"-mom
"There's a parent report card for their kids a's and b's are good c's are bad d's are for damn kids and f's are for fuck you! And you got a fuck you!"-mom
"Somebody just blew there ass out!"-momma
"We have to go terrorize your father now because he won't listen to me!"-mommy dearest
"I'm not to excited about peeing behind someone's grave stone."-momma
"God damn her and her quotes"- mom
"He's a outdoor cat now he can shit where ever he wants!"-big bro
"Even in the afterlife they can't unsmell that"-my neighbor
"If there are any demons in this household it's probably us!"-my neighbor
"Stop kissing the demon it's probably it's butt"-my neighbor again
"I'm only pretty because I have makeup on"-my neighbor
"IS THAT GOOD MUSIC I SMELL???"-me herring heavy metal out in the living room
YOU ARE READING
The big book of story time
HumorStories that actually happened to Me. Cover was made by: @d_bell Edited by: Bestie
