HAPPY MEAL By Tygraicthefirst

7.Cold Inside

Jessica

I could not believe my eyes. I was still reeling from the knowledge of what my eyes had just seen.

I looked at him thinking it was all a dream. He looked at her tenderly holding her face between his hands.
I felt something inside me shut down.
Not break.

I turned and walked away before Olga or Vic could get a word in.

I just couldn't bring myself to sleep no matter how much I tried. They were stuck in my head.

I felt nothing. It was like I had gone cold inside.

But beneath that cold exterior, I could still feel some stray feelings seeping through the cracks in the wall. Now I knew how I felt about him. I was just in denial. I had feelings for him.

I had completely avoided him and my friends throughout the rest of the night. I didn't even feel like talking to anyone. I only spoke when it was necessary.

Junior on the other hand couldn't be bothered. He was busy laughing with Carla whilst we cleaned up the mess. I just stood up and looked at him. He looked carefree.

But then something in me immediately clicked. Junior had never said he liked me. So why does him kissing another girl bother me?
Wasn't I the one who told Olga that we were just friends? That I didn't want to complicate things? But what about all the things he said? Everything he did?

He looked intently at me and took my hands in his.
"Smile , beautiful. I'm sorry I said that. "
Sometimes I felt some vibes from him that screamed that he wanted more than friendship. But I knew my thoughts could never go there. Must never go thre. If there ever was a repeat of Aaron.........

The memories started swirling around my mind as I lay in my bed.
I couldn't understand why I always had to fall for people I could never have.

Had I really fallen for him? Or was it more than that? I had to be honest with myself. The truth was that I was lonely. I felt the unwelcome feeling wrap itself around me. Completely engulfing me, sinking it's cold fangs into my skin.

It was an odd feeling to experience. I could feel myself getting lost in it's limitless universe. It was like falling in space- there was no end. No landing.

I felt more disappointed than hurt. And that only in itself was hard to accept. I was only sixteen. Only two months away from my seventeenth birthday. I can't be feeling such feelings. I was too young for this. Too young to be hurt or to feel this hollow.

I felt the left side of the bed dip beside me. I instantly knew it was Olga. She slept next to me hugging me in the process. We stayed this way for about ten minutes. I knew she wanted to say something. I could feel her patience wearing thin.

"Come on J. Talk to me. You're scaring me. You look so, so rigid. " I laughed at her. It felt odd and stiff coming from me; Even to my own ears, I knew that my laughs were always bubbly and infectious.

"Have you ever felt empty inside? Like you're alone and might just end up alone? The only thing I have going on for me is school. All the guys I like couldn't give two shits about me."

"That's not true. You have us. Your friends. Classmates. Even every teacher loves you. You are like the poster child. And you're beautiful. Great body. Amazing heart. What more do you want?" I could sense the desperation in her voice.

"I didn't say that I want your compliments. I just feel like I'm not living. I barely go out when I'm at home. I always have to tiptoe around your schedule. My friends have lives. It's like I'm dead. I know this now.
That's why I'm trying my best not to ruin any opportunity to have a relationship. I can't do that. It's not right."

Olga seems distraught by my declaration. "Don't say that," she begs me." Please don't get suicidal. "
I laugh that humorless laugh again.
"You can't kill what's already dead Olga. Especially something that's been buried for a long time."

Olga just hugs me tighter. I can tell that she knows that the discussion is closed. But what she doesn't know is that my thoughts are not suicidal at all. I just felt dead. It was like finally attending a long delayed funeral.
And I was glad that it was happening now.

My sleep is filled with nothing but dark hollow quiet. I have no dreams at all. I wake up really feeling dead.
The dreamless sleep solidified my point. I was pretty sure no corpse would be  smiling or screaming in it's sleep because it was dreaming.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. Completely contrasting with my mood. The sky was a crystal clear blue without a single cloud to be seen. I have always loved days like this one.
Clear and beautiful. Sunny. It felt like happiness to me. The sunshine.

But now I wished for a rainy sky. Filled with the darkest clouds. A gloomy sky that matched my darkened heart and mind.
Dark gloomy clouds represented uncertainty to me. You never knew what was hidden behind them. Is it the sun? Or gallons upon gallons of water just waiting to be released. Waiting to soak the earth and wash away some of it's dirt.

Is that why I wanted it to be cloudy. Was I hoping for rain so it cloud cleanse me of my demons? Maybe I was. Or maybe I just wanted to bask in the uncertainty they represented to me. Either the sun could shine it's wonderful rays onto me and lead me on a much pleasant path. Or the rain could try cleaning up all dirt.

I sat through the church service blind to everything. Praying seemed impossible. After church I saw Junior with the same girl. They were holding hands and talking. Junior said something that made her laugh. She laughed heartily and he kissed her cheek. He caught me staring and I smiled awkwardly at them. The girl turned and looked at me. Junior looked uncomfortable so I turned and continued on my way to the hostel.

"There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you!" Vic exclaimed.
She looked at me thoroughly, no doubt assessing my appearance. But I had made sure that I was impeccable.
For some reason I thought that my outward appearance would hide the shell that I had become.

I had paired a tight maroon pencil skirt with a black blouse with a plunging neckline and a pair of black strappy heels for church. I dressed so that I could accentuate my curvy figure.

"You look really good. Thank the heavens for that. Come on, the others are waiting for us."
She pulled my hand and led me to the back of the hostel.

We found Precious, Tom and Olga waiting for us under a Baobab tree next to a tap.
"Looking smashing J!", Tom hollered earning a small playful smack on the head from P. I laughed at his expense and felt myself getting less tense.
"You should have kicked him on the family jewels", I said pointing at Preci.
"Noted." She said smiling smugly at Tom.

"So you guys wanted to Talk?", I asked looking around the group .

"Yeah", Vic started." We are really worried about you J. Olga told us what happened last night. "
If all this was happening under normal circumstances , I would have been angry with Olga. But I was too in my nonexistent feelings to care. Plus I knew it was out of love and concern.

I sighed feeling defeat. "I'm fine guys. And no, I'm not suicidal. I'm just going through a phase." They still looked sceptical, so I added "Really ".

They tried talking me out of this "crazy phase" as they called it.
I managed to convince them otherwise. But even I didn't know whether this was a phase or not.
Only time would tell.