Closed doors (South Park fanfic)

Impossible

Phone is acting up . I have been making this for longer than I would make one with 10000 words. I am not sure if I could make it to even 700 words, I hope I did. Just saying, normally my work is not this terrible but frankly I don't have enough to finish this after the realization that My whole life is on a device that is almost 4 years old. There is a certain amount of irony to it, seeing as my life is so broken as well. Yup.

"So, you are taking too long," Kyle says, staring at me and Leo while almost silently laughing.

"Yeah?" Leo asks, looking at Kyle.

"We were meant to do something today but I swear, I don't mind you fucking in the bathroom if you really want that," Kyle says.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Ky?" I ask.

"While you were here, Kenny and I have been waiting for about 10 minutes. Nobody takes this long to take a piss," Kyle says.

"Ooh shit, my bad. I had to call mom about something," I say.

"Yeah but why is Leo waiting with you?" Kyle asks.

"I told him to. I told him, 'Wait a sec, gotta call mom.' And he did. However, according to mom, we don't have carrots and she went on a long rant about me needing to buy them," I say.

Kyle rolls his eyes.

"Sharon is a lovely mother. Don't diss her," Kyle says.

"I know but carrots," I say.

"There is nothing bad about them," Kyle says.

"I know! I'm just pretty sure mom has not touched one since I was 12! Why carrots? Why now?" I ask.

"How would I know?" Kyle asks me.

"So I can hangout if I bring carrots. My social skills are not made for going into a shop to get fucking carrots," I say.

"I'll come with you," Leo says.

"Thanks," I say.

He smiles. He has a nice smile.

"Okay. Nobody wants to see you twos very sexual staring contest. I'm going to go outside. If you're not out in 5 minutes, I will assume you started to fuck and leave with Kenny," Kyle says.

Leo has a very clear blush on his face. Kyle sighs and walks out of the bathroom. I, very quickly, wash my hands and then open the door, letting Leo go out before me.

"Thanks," he says, smiling at me.

I nod and close the door behind me.

"So are we getting carrots first or going to Ky's first?" Leo asks.

"Kyle's first, I think," I say.

Kyle nods, looking down at his phone.

"Ike's not home. His teacher wanted to have him helping with the kindergarten again. I don't know why he is her go-to person but I guess Ike is willing to help?" Kyle asks.

"Is your mom home?" Kenny asks.

"What? You scared of her?" Kyle asks.

"Slightly," Kenny says.

If it was any other mom, we would laugh about that but Kyle has the scariest woman in the world. She is the type of dangerous you know does not want to harm you but purely because of how protective she is, she scares the shit out of anyone, that is, excluding Kyle, who is not the slightest bit scared of her anymore.

"Well no, mom is not home. She's in England with dad. Dad is working and mom decided to go with because dad forgot their anniversary," Kyle says.

"Did you know that I was born in England?" I ask.

"Stan, you are American," Kyle says.

"I'm aware. But I was born a month early. They were on holiday to England. I wanted to get out to see England so bad I came out two days before their leave. So, my birth hospital is in London. I'm basically British," I say.

"No, you're an American that was born in London. Passport and such is much different for British people who are actually British," Kyle says.

"I fucking know that," I say.

"Just checking!" Kyle says.

I nod.

"I just never know with you. Sometimes you actually think I'm that stupid and sometimes  you do not," I say.

"I never have called you dumb," he says.

I sigh.

"Lets see. When we were 13, you outright called me dumb after I called you a try hard," I say.

"I did not. You called me a try hard and I said 'at least I'm not dumb'. That sentence does not mention you in any way whatsoever," Kyle says.

"And when we were fourteen, you just said 'God, you're so damn dumb.' That you can't do over," I say.

"But I said God not Stan. Unless you are called God, which I highly doubt, I did not insult you in any shape or form," Kyle says.

"When we were fifteen-," I say.

"Dude, lets not dig up the past!" Kyle says.

"But dude that was like a little under 2 years ago. That wasn't that long ago," I say.

"Oh shit, I forgot that I'm 18 in half a year," Kenny says.

"Congratulations, you know basic math. I am so proud of you, Kenneth," Kyle says.

"Better be," Kenny says.

"You want me to be proud of you?" Kyle asks.

"D-," Kenny starts.

I immediately shield Leo's ears. Kyle shields mine.

"How dare you? There are kids around, you fuck," Kyle says, getting his hands off my ears, which gives me the sign to get mine off Leo's.

I roll my eyes.

"I'm not a kid, I just don't want to hear it," I say.

"But da-," Kenny starts again.

"Nope!" Kyle screams.

"Damage control isn't enough. What did you think I was gonna say?" Kenny asks.

"I was expecting you to call him daddy," Leo says.

Kenny laughs, soon holding his stomach due to laughing too hard.

"Dude! Don't die laughing!" Kyle says.

Kenny's expression changes completely.

"W-What?" He asks.

"It was a joke, don't be afraid to laugh. It's nearly impossible to die out of pure laughter," Kyle says.

"Yeeeah, impossible," Kenny says.