Love & Heartbreak

First Love

I was sixteen when I fell in love. A normal age at which any teenager thinks they've "found the one". I was a hopeless romantic, but was somehow treated as if I was never there.

He made me feel safe and at home. He made me feel like I was everything.

It was him who found me. Your normal social media finding and instant messaging. I was skeptical of course, but soon found myself falling for a boy and his nature.

It was beautiful. Us. We fit perfectly.

We never argued, we always enjoyed each other's company and we were incredibly in love with one another.

I remember everything of him. I'll always love him.

We were together for two and half years before we ended. It was sudden and it hurt like hell.

I cried for a week straight, but he seemed fine. That's what hurt more. He was leaving in a month and I decided to let him go. I never thought it'd be so easy for him to move on.

I was his first and he was mine. We were best friends who had a real heartwarming and joyous story. However, that all just fell to pieces. It's as if I no longer existed to him the day of and after our break up.

I don't know how he's doing anymore. I wanted to know but I realized that if I meant something to him he would've cared.

We both loved each other deeply and I still do. But, you have to let go and go live. I really hope he finds the happiness he was looking for. And I, well I, have to figure that out myself.

I've lost a lot of friendships and people in my life. He was suppose to stay. He was more than a first love. We were best friends. We are best friends.

But, I can't be the one anymore to save us. If he wants me... he has to come. If he doesn't... I have glorious memories I'll cherish for as long as I remember.

A first love is a love you never forget. It doesn't mean you lost a soulmate. It means you lost a part of you that you'll find again. A first love is someone you'll always love. It's how you realize what it means to be loved. It's how you know what you deserve.

I don't know where me and him will end up. Maybe we'll see each other again. Maybe we'll end up together in a beautiful tale we'll tell our kids one day. And, maybe we'll never see each other again. Maybe we'll just be two people who loved and that's what we hold.

I fell in love when I was sixteen. I felt a broken heart at nineteen.

I'm going to be okay. Everything happens for a reason. I must look for what's best for me. He'll always be my one.

I can't wait to see what's in store. I hope it's a happy ending whoever it may be with.

I love you, first love. You were more than I ever imagined.

It's my turn to go, and be what I want to be. Without you and me.

Thank you. For loving and cherishing me. For being my home. For being my one.

Thank you.

•

Two months ago I wrote this as a goodbye. Now, it just feels like somebody I used to know. I'm not completely healed yet, but I've learned a lot.

I know that silence speaks more than you may believe. I know that having doubts isn't being insecure it's being sure. I learned that I want to be loved. I want to be told that I'm loved.

I'm more than what I let myself believe. I deserve more. The more I think about our relationship the more I realize it wasn't perfect.

I still have dreams about him loving me. They hurt but I think it's a part of me trying to let go of someone who I loved dearly. I can't hold onto him no matter how hard I want to.

Writing in moments when I feel so sad and so broken help me heal and help me learn what I didn't truly know about myself.

I'm really no one special, but being in love...it makes you feel. It makes feel so much and so vividly it's hard to actually comprehend.

I don't know where I'll be in two months time or when I'll write here next but I know that I'll be happier. That's what matters.

•

It's been ten months since we said goodbye. I haven't felt more free or happy in a long time. But, I've also struggled with anxiety and loneliness for quiet sometime.

I hate the moments where I think about you. Everything you loved, everything you did, everything little quirk, I hate remembering your everything.

I know I don't hate you but I wish I did. It's taken me so long to finally get over you. I no longer love you but there's something still there that makes me so angry and sad.

Why did you do what you did? I just want to yell at you and demand the answers I never got. When did you stop loving me? Did I mean nothing to you? How was I so easy to forget?

How was I so easy to forget. That's what sucks. I remember so much of you, I remember everything. You pop up in my head at random times and it's the worse feeling. But, me to you I'm nothing. I was just someone you dated, that's it. That's all that I was.

I want this part of my life to be over. Maybe this is the final end to my heartbreak. I hope I never have to write here again talking of you.

I hate you, but I don't.

I wish you were easy to forget.

•

I said I wasn't going to write here again, but I just wanted to say that I'm okay.

I fell in love with me, and that's something I hope to do for the rest of my life.

I'm happy and I'm good and it's a breath of fresh air to be free of someone who wasn't right.