blue lights

2: the present

chapter 2: their present

the blue in emory's eyes faded as the lights in the sky did. her body ached painfully, every crevice and corner creaked. her age was not a match for her body, she felt much older than she was. the blonde highlights in her hair struck in contrast with the brown growing in. her strands were damaged and so was she.

emory exhaled. "please be home," she mumbled, twisting the key in the door. she opened it to a smell of coffee and yesterday's rice and beans. the pair of adidas sneakers at the foot of the door (which she tripped on) told her that her wish came true.

"theo?" she threw her bag on the couch and threw herself on there as well. shoes tossed, jacket off and hair up in a bun; emory felt a form of foreign relief.

her best friend, lover and fiance of two years was holding a letter at the dining table. the crease between his eyebrows and bare twitch at her presence were warning signs. yet, lately, he barely seemed happy by anything she did. emory had no energy to do anything anymore, she had always loved how effortless their friendship, relationship was. he was always there and so was she, not more was needed.

"theo. look at me."

he did. and she saw the heartbroken anger in his eyes. that shade of navy, she did not see often. only when he argued with his parents or got a horrible grade, both of which hadn't happened.

"when were you going to tell me?" he spoke up, his voice heavy.

emory walked to him, barely containing her impatience. but even when she was annoyed by him, she loved him."tell you what? what is this?"

he shoved the letter in her hand. it was an acceptance letter from columbia law. on the table sat a rejection from harvard and an acceptance into yale law. her heart fluttered. she got in. the excitement bouncing off her fingers like electricity, she hugged theo's head into her chest. why wasn't he happy?

this was her dream.

"what the fuck, emory?"

"what?" having grown up in an excessively formal, literary home where politeness was a golden rule, she rarely heard him curse. and at her.

he spat, "you didn't tell me you applied into yale, columbia and harvard. you got into berkley and ucla. why didn't you tell me about these? conneticut? new york? boston? emory, boston? what the fuck?"

"i wanted to see if i could get in," she felt small. "that's all."

"so, you wasted application fees on schools you didn't want to go to? for your curiosity? god-knows-how-much for curiosity, emory? i could barely afford rent this month, and you do this?"

emory cringed. he called her em when he loved her, emory when he didn't."my parents paid for it. calm down, theo."

"so, what? you're going to new york now? living there?"

"i thought we could talk about it. we, theo, we. us. you said you wanted to live in new york someday."

"that someday isn't next fall, em! are you serious?" he stood up, towering five inches over her. his eyes glistened with furious tears.

she took a step back, pulse racing. involuntarily, her face quickly became wet with tears matching his. "i'm not! i don't even know if i'm going. stop shouting at me!"

"don't tell me what to do! fuck this, emory!" he slammed his hand on the table and took a long breath. his next words were softer, like the skies before a thunderstorm. "i'm proud of you. but we both know that you won't refuse an ivy league."

"you're right," emory clenched her fists. "because columbia has been my dream forever and you know that."

"you are my dream," he said.

and her heart broke. "you're mine too, you're everything come true. but i've wanted this. i didn't think i'd get in."

"i'm staying here," he told her. "i'm not moving to new york. my life is here."

what life? was on the tip of her tongue, but she held it back. theo went to school and came back, working on his masters degree in literature.

"i am," she took the decision in the moment. "my future is there."

theo laughed. usually, she loved the sound of his laugh. it reminded her of everything warm, everything light and everything the moon does to the night. now, it was like a hand holding her heart and clenching it. "this is just like you. you only think about you. what you want. we're engaged, emory. we're spending the rest of our lives together, you can't plan yours alone."

"i'm sorry that i did it behind your back. excuse me for thinking you'd be happy for me! i'm so sorry about that, theo! meanwhile when you tell me stupid details about your long, boring lit projects, i listen because i love you! can't you just sacrifice a little, just a little bit to be with me! come with me to new york and let me live my dream."

she had struck a nerve. one of his curls was in the air. "i'm holding you back from living, em?"

"you are, theodore. and i'm not doing a long distance relationship," her mind flashed to her parents' fights and she realized they were just as loud as her parents were. "something always goes wrong."

"seems like you know what you want," the dark circles around his eyes got deeper. her mother had been nagging him about lending them money, but he wanted nothing but to build a life up for himself too. he didn't want to owe her parents money, just because his parents didn't have any.

"do you?"

theo nodded. "all i've ever known is that i wanted you. but seems like i care about this relationship more than you do."

"that's not true! i moved out from my mom's to be with you, even if she came into my room every night for a month trying to change my mind. we're struggling with money and i'm still here. why do you think i haven't gone back to my mom's?"

"i'm the one struggling with money, since little miss princess over here can apply and pay for whatever college she wants! me! not you, emory! never has been, never will be."

emory had heard his jokes about her higher social status enough to know that he was going in a dark place, and so was she. the "little miss princess" pissed her off, royally so.

"fuck you, theo. i'm not doing this," she grabbed her bag, the keys and stormed out.

theo cried out, "fuck you too, emory!" and kicked the chair so hard that the bruises from later that night wouldn't hurt as much as his foot, and heart, did.