Perfectly Imperfect.

Ch.1 The daily struggle

The sinsation of smashing into a brick wall jerks me up and awake out of bed.

Sweat collects across my forehead and palms making the cloth of my shirt stick to my clammy skin as my chest rises and falls against the air of tension that now lengiers amongst my responding fear.

I rake my hands across the scalp of my head keeping my eyes glued to my blanket clad feet.

"Not this agian.."

Anxiety grips my insides as I try to convince my body to untangle itself from the now cold and damp surroundings.

Trying not to focus on the dark corners of my room and the screaming of my already rushed mind to be afraid I grip my sheets with a shaking hand lifting it up sliding my wobbly legs out from its warmth.

Slowly I lay the soles of my feet on the cool wooden floors, the soothing sensation calms my over heated nerves, reminding me that I'm grounded and back in my own reality once agian.

"Its fine, your fine...it's okay now, your okay.."

I force my body to stand, ignoring its protest as my muscles ache underneath my own wieght.

Quickly I walk over to my light switch, rushes of adrenaline still running through my veins like waves crashing agianst the shore of my brittle feeling bones.

Ounce the man made golden glow fills my room and dulled senses I release a bold breath into the air reminding myself that that world only exists in my dreams...

I carry my heavy leggs to my bathroom flipping the switch while making my way to the the cold linoleum sink gripping its smooth dense surfface.

Staring back at me is the same fragile girl I've always seen. Same dark tortured eyes and unsmiling lips. The forever strained expression that settles upon my face makes annoyance grow in my head making me turn away and face the shower.

I stare at the bright white space, not really wanting to get in but knowing I should. I internally huff at my own reluctance and quickly take my night wear off of my sticky salt scented skin.

Settling on the edge of the tub I turn the faucet on lacing my fingers through the mini waterfall it creates as I check the temperature. I glace back over to my bed, a heavy feeling laying itself upon my shoulders as my tired eyes access the scene I just left moments ago.

The sheets creased and the blankets pilled on its side. My pillow lumped up from my restless tossing and kneeding in my distress..

I sigh as a tare my gaze from it all, pulling up the water adjuster allowing the shower head to turn on. Slowly I step inside sliding the curtain closed as I feel the warm water kiss my skin taking all the sweat, dirt and stress along with it down the drain where it belongs.

I grab my sponge and lavender scented body wash, lifiting the container to my nose and inhaling its scent deeply as I try to calm my frazzled nerves.

Gently I lather the sponge in the heavenly scent that now surrounds me with the constant rising steam. Gliding the soft cloud like suds along my tired skin I watch as they melt off into the water dissapering down the drain as I wish I could as well.

My chest gets heavy as I remember the darkness that surrounded me moments ago, gritting my teeth at how weak I felt and asking myself why every day and night had to be a struggle for me.

I lay my head onto the condensation covered surface of the wall, relaxing against its coolness as I breath in deeply trying to regain the little control over my thoughts I never have.

"Why can't I ever catch a brake?...literally just for a second so I can breath..."

The thought alone invites ever more pain to course through my being making my frame itself weaker than before. Feeling like my own worst enemy I turn the water off and make my way out of the shower only to have my foot get caught on the side of the tub causing me to stumble only adding to the dull ache that lingered inside my stressed muscles. I roll my eyes at my own inadequacy, annoyance against myself resurfacing once agian as I pull a towel around my frame.