» Photographs | #michaeng

Photo #8

22 June 2018

"I-I thought, if I didn't tell you about them, you would still come to me and maybe, just maybe, you would finally see who is the one that chose to stay beside you all this time."

That hit a nerve. I snapped. I lunged at Nayeon, my hands shaking in anger.

"You selfish bitch! You wanted me all to yourself. Have you ever thought of the consequence if I found out about them? Don't you see? I had hoped for her to come back and forgive me, but Mina hates me! My heart is breaking and you're the one responsible for this because you didn't tell me!"

"Maybe I am responsible! But you brought this on yourself. You treated her like shit. You almost cheated on her. You didn't care enough to fight for her. If you have truly loved her, you would have search for her, bring her back and explain everything. But you chose to let her go, hide away and waste your days away like a loser!"

It's true, Chaeyoung. You're a loser. You didn't fight for her. You let her go and mourned.

Sucking in a huge breath, I pushed that thought away with all my might.

"I-I was depressed."

"Oh drop it, Chaeyoung. You and I both know that's an excuse. You stepped out of depression. Your life was better. You had three years, but you did nothing. You used me to get ahold of her, is that brave? Because it isn't! You're still a coward!"

She's right. I am a coward. 

I couldn't stop crying. It was like someone had turned on the faucet and the tears kept streaming down my flushed cheeks. I couldn't think of anything but just how pathetic and self-absorbed of a person I was. I had been living in denial, pretending that everything was going to be all right and I would be ready to meet Mina again. But no, this wasn't the case. My world was broken and no matter how hard I tried to stitch things together, you can't just fix things with band aids.

For what seemed like hours, I just knelt on the floor, weeping. I had never cried so hard in my life, not even when Mina left me or my psychiatrist told me not to wait for Mina.

Turns out she's right. I shouldn't have sought happiness from the same place I lost it.

Nayeon had sprung free from my grip. She was sitting cross legged on a nearby couch, silently watching my breakdown. Her lips pursed in a thin line.

When Mina dumped me, I blamed Nayeon and hated her for ruining us. I used her as a leverage to fulfill my selfish purpose to know how Mina was doing because I was too scared to face her myself. My excuse was that I wasn't good enough but all along I failed to see that it was necessary for me to take the first step. If I were to look for Mina, maybe the ending would be different.

Now, I lost my chance. This was the end: Me, bawling my eyes out at the house of the person whom I had always hated, feeling sorry for myself.

"Enough, Chaeyoung. Enough," Nayeon spoke in a soft voice, breaking the awkwardness that filled the air.

I looked at her, my eyes swollen and puffy.

"I'm sorry," I whispered through my fingers, my hands covering my face.

"I'm sorry too. I know I should've told you."

"It wouldn't change anything. I had destroyed everything. I'm a loser. I hurt Mina. I hurt you."

"No, no, don't go and call yourself a loser. You're anything but that."

"Yeah, I'm a failure," I chuckled darkly.