The first thing to look at is your contractions. We do not talk in the same manner as your critical essays in English class. Contractions are allowed, and in fact they are encouraged. If you think your character is talking stiffly, the very first thing to do is go through and anywhere you can put in a contraction, do it. When we talk in real life we don’t notice, but unless you are emphasizing each word on purpose you use contractions wherever possible.
Example: I am not afraid; that is silly. What is your problem anyway? You are acting so weird!
This sounds much better as: I’m not afraid; that’s silly. What’s your problem anyway? You’re acting so weird!
Another way to make your dialogue sound more realistic is to make it shorter –– that is, the paragraphs. If you have a character saying more than two lines of text, consider revising. In general, we don’t talk in paragraphs in real life, even if we have paragraphs to say.
Example: “The fact is, I highly doubt your ability to perform well at our establishment. You showed up an hour late for your interview, and you’re not even properly dressed. We wear suits here, Mr. Brown, and we wear clean suits. How is a client supposed to take you seriously with coffee stains down your front? I only hire the best. You do not fit this description. I’m done with this –– you may leave,” said Mrs. Jamison.
Or you could go with this:
The fact is, I highly doubt your ability to perform well at our establishment. You showed up an hour late for your interview, and you’re not even properly dressed.”
“Mrs. Jamison, with all due respect, the interview didn’t state a dress code.”
“We wear suits here, Mr. Brown. Anyone with a brain can see that. Even if that didn’t matter –– you’ve got coffee stains down your front.”
“I–– I didn’t realize. I was rushing this morning and I must ha–”
“The reason doesn’t matter. What matters is what the client is going to think.”
“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise.”
“Look, I only hire the best. You don’t fit that description. You may leave.”
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Writing Mistakes You're Making
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