The Confession (COMPLETED)

The Shame is On the Dark Side

This is Uli Nanditya Permata Sari!

I'm going to tell you about my life before and after I accept Jesus as my Savior and the Living God. You might find it odd or controversial, but this is important.

My reason to write this down and tell everyone about this is solely to let you know my true self, how sinful I am and how God, the One who make Heaven and earth, everyone, take me into the light to brush off the shame for what I did, gave me grace and mercy. He love me so much I can't even contain nor can I understand it.

My life, let's put it into words, is simple and normal. I lived in christian family since I was born. I read the Bible since the first time I could read. I knew the prayer that Jesus taught two thousands years ago and recited it every night since I was 4. My parents bought me comic books, stories about characters in the Bible for me to read. I practically raised for being Christian.

Growing in the family that encourage me to know Jesus and obey Him made me be a kind of girl who followed the rules. You know, typical good girl in your neighborhood. I spent 21 years of my life thinking that I was a good girl, a good daughter, a good person.

But I knew though, deep down, I was not what I was outside. I was greedy,arrogant, hateful, full of anger that I couldn't release (being good girl and all), selfish, self-centered, and you mention it. I thought it's normal. All people has their own dark side after all. I acted on it once, twice, or multiple times. And I still thought, "I'm still better than any other people. at least I'm not killing people."

For years, my spiritual life and my 'actual' life seemed like two different worlds. I went to church, I did sins, went to church, did sins, prayed a little bit, worshiped a little bit, did sin, and repeat. And to add something in my spiritual curriculum vitae, I told my Mom that I was ready to be baptized as my declaration of commitment to God. I was 18 at that time. Don't get me wrong, I fully aware and admit and believe that Jesus is God, no question needed. At that time. And it's not like my parents forced me to do that either. It's fully my own decision.

And then I went to University. Out of reach from my parents or any legal guardian. For the first time, I was on my own. Life, as I expected, still had many things to offer. As far as this story goes, you must realize something about me, right? Yes. I was very aware of my own image. I was a good girl, and I intended to keep it that way. Not that I enjoy going to party or being drunk. I didn't even try. But there'll always be dark secrets behind the facade. And I had mine. I was the hypocrite. I enjoy things I shouldn't have enjoy, thought what I shouldn't have thought, did what I shouldn't have done. Still, in my little bubble, I thought it was okay as long as no one knew. Oh, don't bother yourself by trying to guess what I've been telling you. You know what I meant. Dark thoughts, hurting people, hurting my own self, sexual sin? Been there, done that. 

Now, you must understand or at least know how hard it is for me to write this down and to know that everyone that I know or even strangers will know me this deep. This is the vulnerable me telling you about the unknown  me. I don't want to cut this part, and make this story prettier. I try to be as plain as I can in writing it down. 

You might as well started to ask, when was the part I would tell you that I was free, happy, all white and rainbow.

At the last 6 months in 2016. My roommate, that was everything but I was,  took me to have a Sunday service in a small church near our dorm. And it has a community too. At first, being me, I didn't like it. I didn't like the fact that we had to gather in a small group to pray for each other. I didn't like like praying out loud, and praying in that kind of way was foreign to  me. They all were too friendly and too smiley for my comfort. So, I did all that I could to not come to that church again. But, I couldn't shake the feeling that that place seemed right, felt right. And to my own surprise, I came again. And again. I learned many things about God that I never got in my church before. That, or I was just too stubborn to pay attention before. But, still, it was all just knowledge for me. I was fascinated, yes. But I didn't feel anything inside.