Hurt Him (Spamano)

Antonio

I hope that he doesn't realize that I have spent my whole morning waiting to see him, hoping he just comes from his own room that he didn't share with anyone else. I hope that he doesn't realize the jealousy and pain in my eyes when he comes out of the wrong door, covered in markings that I know he only got from one thing, especially when coupled with the way he is walking. I hope when his eyes lock on mine, he doesn't see anything besides a man praying for the boy he once raised.

... No nos dejes caer en tentación... 

As Lovino so coldly strolled by him, head held high and refusing to make eye contact with me any longer, I moved my lips faster, my fingers quicker. The beads slipped in between my digits as the words fell from my mouth, begging powers greater than I for forgiveness and redemption and guidance, and the strength not to pervert the person I cared for the most in the world. If only I could keep myself away from him, if I could just hold out until God took away these impure thoughts from my head, then Lovi – my little Lovi – could be saved, could still be free.

... ruega por nosotros pecadores... 

He didn't look back after he had passed, and my heart simultaneously broke and soared at the fact. He probably hated me, but at least that hatred – that disgust, that distrust, that revulsion – could spare him the same fate, and the same prayers.

... perdónanos nuestros pecados, líbranos del fuego del infierno, lleva todas las almas al cielo, especialmente las más necesitadas de tu misericordia...

I buried my own feelings, and hoped that there was no way to see the sorrow and broken desire inside me. There wasn't anything that I could do beyond this, no way to make things better with my former charge, no other way to right what was wrong than to keep myself from my heart's fixation. This was the only way to protect him.

... Ruega por nosotros, Santa Madre de Dios, para que seamos dignos de las promesas de Cristo... 

This was the only way to prevent me from hurting him.