sORRY

Bulimia

What you're about to read is something I wrote less than a month ago - in an almost forgotten Wattpad book draft - in regards to my own personal struggle with bulimia.  Not that I ever thought it'd go much of anywhere, but -

Read with caution.

Warning: bulimia, depression, self-depricating thoughts

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07-06-18

*sigh*

Am I really doing this?

...

Guess so.

It's 2:16 am right now - actually make that 2:17 now. And I kinda just got the... need to write. But not the happy things like usual or the rare rants or how my first-world problems are so difficult.

*stops writing for a moment*

Geez... what am I doing? Do I really think that writing down the latest installment in the whiny mess that is my life is really going to help anything?

...

Guess I'm just that desperate.

...

I don't know what I'm doing.

*stops writing for a couple minutes, just listens to "This is Gospel" on repeat*

*changes song to "Casual Affair"*

I guess I should stop stalling and get to the point.

Hi, I'm Max. I'm eighteen years old and I've been struggling with an eating disorder called bulimia nervosa (or just bulimia) since I was fifteen.

I'm not exactly a "pretty" girl, no. I'm 4'11" and I currently weigh, to my knowledge, approximately 113lbs.

I haven't had the guts to check out the scale for a while.

*changes the song (again) to "Dying in LA"*

I'm extremely short height wise, but I'm too stocky for it to be "cute" like it would be for other girls my height. In fact, I weight more than most girls that I went to school with in high school - imagine my horror when I found out these girls, who were several inches taller than me mind you, weren't even breaking 100, and here I was, getting ready to break 120.

...

Yeah, that wasn't helping much.

I had my second worse episode a couple of months ago, end of April and beginning of May.

I lost 8 lbs.

In two weeks.

Which might not sounds like a lot, but it was enough for my family to start taking note and confronting me about not eating.

And anyone who has gone through this knows how much I would never want that.

It was enough for me to have a panic attack and shortly after confess to my sister about my eating habits.

...

I haven't been checking my weight for a bit, but the last time I checked I know that I gained back nearly three pounds in two months.

...

And why am I complaining? There are people, children even, who would love the opportunity to eat all the things I get the chance to eat every day. And don't eat in the end, because, you know, mental health.

It's like some twisted joke.

And I'm sitting here hoping the punchline is the answer to feeling okay again and gah I don't fricken know what I expect to get from this.

I guess I should mention why I started this.

I said that was the second worse episode.

Well I've just started on another episode.

One that involves me purging this time, instead of flat out avoiding food and hating myself when I - inevitably went over my 400 calorie count for the day.

...

I don't fricken know.

What am I doing? It's not like I'm gonna post this until everything that happens in these next couple of weeks is far enough away that it can't touch me.

Wonder how long it'll take for me to get there.

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07-11-18

Drop off the face of the Earth.

That's usually how it starts.

Then I have too much time to focus on myself, too much time to myself, too much time stare at the mirror and hate, and hate, and hate.

Oh I'm still listening to "Dying in LA" by the way.

I don't know why music is so important, it just... feels like it is. Maybe because I listen to music everyday, in my own way of getting out of my own head.

Or something like that... I dunno.

It's been a good day so far. I had swim practice this morning, restraining myself from eating. I had a bagel only when I got home, 90 calories.

...

Why am I so proud of this? Why? I - I know it's wrong, I know that I shouldn't be proud of it, I know that I shouldn't be so happy about burning more calories than I take in. But it doesn't matter because I'm going to my Titi's today for dinner. And I can't pretend that I'm not hungry with her, she know's that I absolutely love her cooking. And I took a shower this morning so I can't pull that card to lose the calories -

...

Why is my mind so twisted?

How lost do you have to be for you to decide that food is a reward?

I know - I know that I'm sick, and I know that it's better to keep it to myself because I - I don't know what's wrong with me, why oh why do I weigh and eat so much? Why do I - It's like I'm so focused on the calorie count.

And on the days I do well, the days I don't each much, then something like this has to go a ruin it. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my Titi. Really. But how can I face her when I'm...

this?

I'm - I'm a mess.

*pauses*

I'm a mess, I'm such a mess. Everything I used to enjoy is just... slipping away. I can't even write - I'm driving myself mad because I can't find the words to write out what I want to say and GOD there has to be something wrong with me, please don't let this be normal.

...

Turn your brain off, Max. Turn it off, don't think.

Just follow your rules. If you don't eat, you don't gain weight. And when you lose weight your happy, when you lose weight you'll be braver, and -

...

I have to go.

Off to Titi's house.

Off to pretend that I'm okay.

Off to fight my demons.

...

God, what is actually wrong with me?

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