sORRY

Self Harm

This chapter was written by:

Tallanted1

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Trigger Warnings: Self Harm, Scars, Negative Thinking

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I looked down at my legs once again. Pure and utter hatred filled me as a traced my many scars. Hatred for them or me I don't know. 

It didn't start as pleasure, there was no relief in pain or self harm, It was simply punishment, I failed, and needed to be reminded. I'm not damaged, my parents and family were kind. i have food friends, which is why it's hard to explain why I'd do something like this. I've been told there are multiple reasons people self harm

There are 2 ways to get people to do what you want, and to hurt yourself, reinforcement, or punishment. Divided again into positive, which is not necessarily good, but means the giving of something, and negative, or taking something away. Everyone understands positive reinforcement, getting something good as a reward. Positive punishment, though sounding somewhat strange, is getting a punishment. Negative reinforcement is getting something bad taken away, like a headache after taking medication, the behaviors are reinforced by stopping the bad thing from happening. Negative punishment is taking away something good. Simple enough right? Most people have positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement. I have positive punishment, the desire to punish myself for what I do wrong and need to fix. I'm so broken. But I cannot fix it. 

I break my train of thought and continued my nightly routine, brush teeth, hair and bed, and I tape over my ankles to keep the new cuts from breaking open. I laid down and was interrupted in my thoughts again by someone entering my room. I shoved my feet deep under the covers to keep them from my parent's visibility. I felt guilty, but it had to be done. I once read about the butterfly challenge, but that doesn't work on your legs. Too many places, not enough butterflies. The next day I woke up early to avoid my family's attention, and immediately got ready for tennis and headed to my match. Tennis triggers me intensely but I can't stop playing now, it's almost state season. The girl I play is good, but not better than me. I still make too many mistakes. I began to list them all so I could punish myself that night. One unforced error, 1 cut. Double fault, 1 cut. Mistake after mistake, punishment. I need the discipline, I need to be punished by my own mind. 

I sigh, where have I come to. What is so wrong with me that I feel like I need to be punished by my own mind to my body. I feel like a piece of paper, crumpled over and torn. I am broken. 

I end up with 12 total, I tell myself "you can work it down to 6 if you win." I fight hard, and I win, but when I return I do 13. Just to make sure I get the message. It feels good. It's less than punishment it's reward. It's nice. But I should be happy my mind disciplines me like it does. I care about myself and improving. I am benefiting here. I'm just looking out for myself. 

And that's the very definition of Stockholm Syndrome, loving what keeps you captive, your mind. And now it is in control. 

There is no happy end to my story. I've been to therapy over and over, had my issues explained to me like black spots on a crumpled paper. Like i am a child, to young to understand my feelings. Only able to point out happy and sad. To see black and white all around me is no blessing. Seeing what is good, and what needs to be fixed by punishment. The world is getting darker as I go on. But when I punish, at the same time I reward. I have the dread of punishment but as soon as it begins I feel relieved at it. I am being helped. This is all to help me. I need it.

Why is it so that I depend on the love from correction to carry me on. The whispers of change and tweaks to lift  my broken wings. One day i will fly above it all. Be free from my mind.

I snap back to reality. Nothing is going to change. 

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Once again, this was not written by me, but by Tallanted1 :)