She Is, Was, Will Be [girlxgirl]

One

Nadine

My head throbbed from thinking as I listened to the low rumbling sounds of the thunder. I sat on the edge of my bed as I watched the sky be cover by the grey clouds of the storm but the blue hue fights for dominance. It seems to be confused whether or not to be sad, or angry, or if it should be pouring heavy rain, or just let the warmth of the sun touch the blades of the leaves until it sets.

I am aimlessly waiting for nothing. No, for something. For some miracle to happen that I might be able to do something useful with my life. I don't know what's wrong, but at the same time I knew exactly what is wrong.

The thing I know something about life is even if you try your hardest, you never seem to be good enough.

For some reason, I have always wanted to be appreciated. To be treated as if I have a worth. I try so hard, yet it seems that trying so hard isn't always the answer.

Scratching my head, I groaned as I grabbed my hair and pulled it lightly to feel a little bit of pain. I am so frustrated with my life thinking "What have I done wrong?" that I am stuck in this hell-hole pathetic excuse people call life.

Now that my high school life is over, I wonder if I'll be wandering the streets, or should I continue living in with people who have much already reached self-actualization, and be jealous that they actually know what they are doing. In addition to that, I have no one that I could talk to that won't feed me with bullshit saying that I'll know what to do soon enough, the time will come, and other blahs people who sympathize feed to those they pity.

My what-you-call friends have each other. I mean, figuratively, have each other. They're couples, soon-to-be couples, either that, or they are crushing on one another, or having this fandom together that made them really close.

It's not that I have never had any relationships, because I have, but ever since last year, I just find it pathetic. I don't know if I became this awkward boring person that I am right now, or that side of me just metamorphosed from my better self that is masking how much of a stuck up I really am. 

Taking my glasses from my nightstand, I stood up and made a forecast for myself that it wouldn't rain until tomorrow so I should go out and have a walk to ingurgitate fumes from cars instead of sulking in my room. I grabbed my coat, tucked my hair on one side, and wore a beanie to cover my hair that I refuse to comb.

As I walked down the streets, I passed by different kinds of people. Couples, teens with their friends, people wearing headphones deafening the world, smokers, et cetera. Observing people is one of the few things I think I'm good at, or at the very least, I enjoy. You might say that it's wrong to judge people by how they look or do, but I don't judge people in that way that one might say that because you pray, you will go to heaven, or that cussing makes you a bad person. I try to see the reason to myself why people are doing such things, not for their sake, but more of mine. I continue making up stories thinking that I might find myself living those fantasies. That everything happens for a good reason and not to feel bad about myself, and self-pity is the last thing I need right now.

I wandered for a time and just headed to the nearest coffee shop, which is conveniently located at the corner of the street, where I like to continue observing people and pondering about life. It is one of the best and safest place to go if one rather not to take chances of feeling worse if you reason out why people are in jail for doing something against the law.

I walked in as the sliding door automatically opened. The strong intoxicating aroma of coffee attacked my nose as I approached the counter where a new pretty redhead girl greeted me hastily and asked what I would like to have. I wouldn't have understood what she said if it weren't for the fact that I used to join the debate team.

“One double shot espresso,” I ordered as I studied the redheaded girl type my order on her screen, and repeated what I said. She is more than pretty, and I'm in no place to deny that. She is gorgeous. Her long natural red hair cascading at her side framing her picturesque face.

“One double shot espresso. Anything else to add?” She asked, emphasizing the double, with a semi-surprised look that seemed cute to her. I just smiled at her question and nodded.

“So you’re new here,” I said as a matter of fact instead of making it sound like a question. Okay, I honestly suck at starting a conversation, but I'm just being friendly, right? Right.

“What makes you think that?” She laughed modestly and smiled.

“Well, first off, you seemed surprised with my choice of beverage, and… I don’t know your name,” I answered with a shrug. There should be a name tag somewhere, oh come on.

“Wow, I didn’t know that knowing your order is part of the job requirement,” she answered with her eyebrows rising a little bit with a smile, completely ignoring my second statement. Maybe she thinks I’m weird, if so, she couldn't be more accurate.

“You’d be damned if you’re working here, and by the end of the week, not knowing what I drink,” I said pretending to be oblivious that she didn’t acknowledge her part of the getting-to-know-you portion of our little chat.

It’s now her turn to shrug with a slight blush creeping on her pale face, make her look more gorgeous, if that’s even possible. “Good thing that I don’t really work here.”

“Okay, so what are you doing here?” I said feigning (but not-so-feigning) my confusion.

She laughed a little. “Uhh, my dad decided that I was grown enough to have a job, and made me try to get my hands dirty. So here I am, pretending to know what I’m doing with all these machines and stuff,” she kind of futilely explained herself.

I admired her blue eyes glisten while she laughed. “You said machines as if it were a highly complex robot,” is all I said despite my confusion.

“Well I guess, it’s not really my thing.” She walked towards the bar and served my coffee that I wasn’t aware that she actually brewed.

I took the small cup that warmed my hands at the immediate touch and inhaled the aroma before sipping the dark bitter liquid. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you still managed to brew me a cup,” I said trying to amend to her mechanical skills.

“So I guess, you’re a regular costumer here, huh. Considering you know the staff and all,” She said leaning on the bar, beaming at me showcasing a perfect set of teeth.

I tried to act nonchalantly, pretending to not be affected by her smile. I said, “I usually come by here after a walk.”

“And why is that?” she asked with echt curiosity.

“Not that it’s any of your business, I just like the ambiance here, and… it’s not really your business,” I answered with a wink and proceeded to my usual spot by the window, getting easily preoccupied with my thoughts, which always happens when I am here.

I watched her at the corner of my eye watch me with slight shock and amusement, as I walked away from the bar. She didn't say anything after that. I felt bad feeling that she might think I'm a complete bitch by telling her it's none of her business, but still proceeded to my business.

I sighed. I just looked out of the window and observed people as they walked by like I usually do.

Minutes passed by until I realized that my coffee is already finished, so I decided to head home. I glanced towards the counter expecting to see her, but she wasn't there. To be honest to myself, I was disappointed. Instead of her, Jeff was there. I waved at him signaling that I was going to leave already. I was wondering why I wanted to see her. To say goodbye, maybe. Or just the fact that I wanted to see her face again.

I also thought that I might be too much of a bitch with my last reply to her. Oh well, what did I expect?

___

Megabucks, thanks for being amazing and for talking sense to me (on my other account, indifferentSky) by replying to my message. (:

Comments, critics, evaluations are highly appreciated, so comment away. Give me the benefit of the doubt that I can improve. Thanks!

-空