Colorless

Todd Anderson would never forget the first moment he saw the colors.

He had heard about colors all his life, but they were beyond comprehension to a boy who had only ever known the world in black and white. He would read poems describing vivid color with awe, only half believing he would ever get to experience them himself. You needed to meet your soulmate to see them, and sometimes he doubted he even had one.

Whenever he asked about it, he was always told the same thing. "One day you'll meet a special girl, a girl who was meant for you, and she'll change the way you see the world." Girl. The word rang in Todd's ears and tumbled around in his head. He had never been interested in girls the way so many of his friends had. If his soulmate was supposed to be a girl, how could he ever be happy? And if it could be a boy, why had nobody ever mentioned it?

•~•~•~•

It had been a cool, brisk day in September. Todd's first day at Welton. He was standing in the courtyard, stomach churning with anxiety as he looked up at the towering ivy-covered walls, and his brother's reputation that went with them. How could he ever live up to Jeffrey? Looking at the other boys around him, all of them laughing and goofing around, he had felt lost, and above all else, alone.

Suddenly, Todd had heard footsteps coming up behind him. "Hey," said an unfamiliar voice. "I hear we're going to be roommates."

Todd had turned to face the other boy, and in the blink of an eye, his world was completely transformed.

Not only was this stranger the most beautiful person Todd had ever seen, he was in color. Stunning, gorgeous, magical color. Todd could hardly believe it as his eyes eagerly took in both the boy and the courtyard around him, and found color everywhere he looked.

Their gaze met. The other boy's eyes were wide, awestruck. "I'm Neil Perry," he had said finally, unable to look away.

Todd had been dizzy with the realization of what this meant. "Todd Anderson," he breathed out. "Do you... do you see..."

Neil had nodded before he even finished the sentence. "Yeah, I do," he said, looking at Todd with such fascination and tenderness that Todd had felt his knees weaken. "That must mean..."

"We're soulmates." Todd had whispered. It felt as if it needed to be said quietly. His heart was pounding.

Neil had nodded, seemingly captivated.

The two boys stood there for a moment, reverent, taking in the world and its colors. Somehow, one boy's hand had found the other, and they clasped together tightly, refusing to let go.

That was only the beginning, but it was also much closer to the end than Todd would ever have dreamed.

Sometimes he could still see the colors, if he closed his eyes and tried.

•~•~•~•~•

Todd had forgotten what would happen to the colors if your soulmate was gone. That is, he had forgotten, until one winter night. A night that was much too cold on its own, even without the turn of events that took place.

He woke up in the middle of the night after Neil's play, feeling sick and strange and frightened. Something was very, very wrong.

At first he thought his discomfort stemmed from the fact that Neil had gone home with his parents and wasn't in their room. He had been so used to having Neil's company at night, sometimes even sleeping next to him. Todd would never forget the way Neil would pull him closer in his sleep, how loved and whole it made him feel.

But this was different. This was a new kind of alone.

Something felt off. He looked down at his hands. They seemed more in shadow than they should have been. Glancing around, the whole room seemed foreign. Todd was overwhelmed with uneasiness.

Slowly, Todd got up from his bed, and made his way over to his desk. With a trembling hand, he reached out to switch his light on.

The colors were gone. As if he had only dreamed them in the first place. Todd's heart dropped.

He looked around the room in a panic, desperate for some burst of color, desperate for some proof that the black and white he was seeing wasn't real.

He knew what that meant. But it couldn't be. There was no way... he had seen Neil... he had been right there, just a few hours ago... his homework was still on his desk... It can't be true. God, it can't be true.

As if in a daze, Todd found his way over to Neil's bed, and lay his head down on the pillow. Oh god, it still smells like him. The black and white burned his eyes as he began to cry.

When Charlie knocked on his door to tell him, Todd was still lying there, sobbing into his hands.

Nothing had to be said.

•~•~•~•~•~•

In the snow, Todd could forget that he wasn't able to see colors anymore, if only for an instant.

Something about it was comforting.

He turned back to his friends, tears welling in his eyes. "It's so beautiful."

Just like Neil.

Thoughts of his soulmate filled his head, how he was so goddamn beautiful and now he was gone, gone forever, and Todd's stomach lurched. He dropped to his knees, gagging.

His friends were there, all around him, trying to help, but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. Neil was gone and he could never get him back, and the colors had left with him. Vanished.

Todd had only known his soulmate for three months, and he had been ripped away from him.

"It- it was his father! His father did it," Todd sobbed, feeling all too heavy and all too light all at once.

"It's okay, Todd, it's okay," Charlie was saying, but he was wrong. It wasn't okay. Everything was black and white and nothing was okay.

Todd broke free from his friends, running as fast as he could down the snowy hill. He didn't know if he was running away or towards something, all he knew was the icy cold on his cheeks as his tears froze, the gaping emptiness where he had once felt whole, and the absence of the colors and the boy he had come to love so much.

"NEIL!" he screamed out in agony, but Neil couldn't hear him. He never would again.

•~•~•~•~•~•

People always asked him how the colors in his poems were so vivid if he was alone.

At first the question upset him, but Todd was so used to it now, he'd just say the same thing he always did.

"I saw the colors in a dream, but, unfortunately, I had to wake up."

If he closed his eyes and remembered, he could almost still see them, and the boy that had brought them into his life.

Almost.