Liberosis

The Start.

The night sky was shunned by the cars stagnant white lights. It was late darkness engulfed the streets but for the mere spaced street lamps to light up the sidewalk a little bit. But I wasn't on a sidewalk. I was on a little bridge staring at the cars beneath it.

I remember my friend telling me that jump wouldn't kill me.

"You'll get paralyzed or something. Probably won't be able to ever walk again. Probably won't ever move. It might kill you but highly unlikely." She had rationalized while walking home next to me. I stared off into the gate that had what I called protected me from jumping off. It was too high and curved at the edge. But you could still climb it if you really wanted to.

"You're right. It wouldn't kill me. It wouldn't kill anyone."

I stared off into the gate into the crisp freezing eroded metal. I stared into the road. I stared into the emptiness it brought me. I stared into the thoughts that tried enveloping my consciousness.

Ever since birth, I didn't think I was meant for this world considering neither of my parents knew if I was going to be a girl or boy.

My mother was blinded by a man with baggage yet manipulation masked by intelligence and anger issues.

Only twenty-one in college now finding out the man she thinks she loves is the father of her baby.

My father had two kids before me. Two boys.

Two—mistakes before me and then lucky number three.

Of course, I had to be the third.

Even though my mother never told me it was a mistake—No actually she has several times later on in life. I think she did every single day actually. Or maybe till I was conscious of it.

But for right now we're focusing on the mistake my mother made. Actually known as me.

Almost every baby cries when they're born. I believe I cried because I wanted to get back in the womb. It was nicer and warmer I'm assuming. Even though I was born in the middle of July I think her uterus would've been a great place to sleep and eat forever.

But no. I had to see the light and cry.

Then she gets the news.

"Congrats it's a baby girl!"

Or at least I'm assuming that's what the doctors screamed.

I wonder what my mother's and father's face twisted into.

Deep down my mother knew that nine months of not knowing the gender of the baby was a mistake. Not only for her but for me as well.

They had a name for a boy. But not for a girl.

Till this day she said she wanted a boy.

A boy to play sports with, a boy that would listen, a boy that would be her own.

I was indeed an accident. Since she had a miscarriage months prior to the days I'd be formed.

She knew I was an accident deep down. That's probably why she tells me all the time. Yet sadly instead of the boy she always wanted she got a girl.

A girl with curly hair. A overly emotional girl. A girl that looked so white you would think it couldn't possibly be the two parents baby.

I guess my father must've thought that as he didn't even sign my birth certificate. Something I didn't know till one frustrating evening with my mother as a teenager.