What I feel is invalid.

Vent

I have come to some terms that what I feel seems to be invalid most of the time I say how I feel and the out come is either bad or it has no responses so I tent to not say how I feel to anyone or on anything but I feel as if maybe if I do it here it will be fine. When I try to say something about how I'm feeling  I end up messing up some how or I start to studier which would make me mad and I end up just saying I don't know a lot to avoid it and I try really hard to express how I feel but its really hard for me I've never been good at that I mean I may dress like I know how I feel but I really don't and it kind of upsets me at the moment I don't even know how I want to dress sometimes I want to dress emo then I want to dress gothic then I want to dress like a hoe and I confuse myself a lot with this and I tend to get stressed about it then I worry about what people will think I try to not think about other people but I can't. I think about death a lot I know that a thing a lot of teens think about now but I think its a actual problem and I can't help it I think about my own death and others death like if I go under bridge I either think about jumping off of it or I think how many people have actually done it I cut myself in fact I just did it yesterday for more then one reason one is that I was upset and two was I like blood it has a weird taste to it but its kinda cool the only bad thing that comes out of cutting yourself is that it scars depending on how deep you go the one I did will scar for sure but it'll be fine I can tell my kid about them some day I've been in sort of a lot of relationships and I've only had one that I thought was truly the one we were together for 9 months and he was amazing he was so sweet and caring and he always listened to me he had really long hair it was beautiful and he had facial hair he shaved it once and I got mad but he grew it back if your wondering what happened it was this I was at my best friends house and me and him were on weird terms I didn't know if we were dating or not so that's what I told the guys that came over and later that day one of them was inside with me which I didn't want but I couldn't tell him that because it felt awkward and thing happened and we had sex I didn't want to and its true I really didn't want to but again I couldn't bring myself to say no so we broken up and I was so upset and he came to get his stuff I cried like a bitch he left me a piece of paper and it had a song on it the song was called honey bee it was beautiful and I cried every time I listened to it I loved him so much and I hate myself more and more every day because of it he ended up blocking me and I got even more upset. I have just cut myself pretty deep actually but I'll be ok I took a brake from writing this and I got upset and cut myself then I drove my grandmothers car to my ex's house I thought it was a good idea but I was wrong he called his girlfriend so he was in a call with her the whole time I was there which made me very upset and I couldn't stop shaking but I couldn't tell him what was wrong because his girlfriend would hear and even if she didn't he would tell her and she would hate me more I got high as hell there and then he sent me home still high I drove around for a bit then went home and went to sleep but the reason I was upset about my ex being on the phone with his girlfriend was because I just wanted to hug him and cuddle him because I still loved him but I could do that because he was on the phone with his girlfriend and she was crying the whole time which made me kinda mad it was stupid for her to cry just because I was there doing nothing with him I left his room for a min and he was talking to his girlfriend and he was just saying how he feels nothing for me and I started to cry but I stopped before I went back into his room I shouldn't of went there but he was the only person I had to go see I texted him today saying sorry for bothering him but he didn't say anything back I thought he might be a sleep but he posted on snapchat so he's just ignoring me but it'll be fine for now I guess it wont really but I have to pretend I'm gonna stop writing this one for now I'll probably start a new chapter soon