Departures

The thing about older siblings

I began to say hi to her, in the hallways, after school when I'd wait for the buses to come. I liked her company, and I liked to talk to her, about normal things, about schoolwork and classes and homework.

I found out that she had been going to this school for many years, but because she was a grade younger than I, I had rarely seen her until math class this year. I found out that L.E. loved to write, that she played guitar, that she had four older sibling who had all already moved out. She liked to build things, and she liked music.

I began to hang out with her more and more often. Our chance meeting turned into a genuine friendship.

I asked her once why she had her hair short. She told me that it used to be long, down to her waist, but that she had decided to cut it, a couple of years ago. When I asked her why, she shrugged her shoulders, and said, "I felt like it."

It was hard to explain why I was so drawn to her. I felt weirdly calm in her presence, and it made me feel relaxed to hear her voice, to see her smile.

I always saw my brother, in her movements, in her words. It scared me, how much she looked and acted like him. Eventually, I began to see the differences more: the shape of her nose, the sound of her laugh. But even after I separated L.E. in my mind from my older brother, she still caught me off guard sometimes. When I was walking with her, during lunch break one day, she knelt down to tie a shoelace. Looking at her, crouched on the floor, a memory surfaced suddenly in my mind. It was an image of Matt, kneeling to help Leo tie a shoelace when he was young. I didn't know when the image was from, or if it was from a memory at all. They looked so alike. I found myself filled with a helpless sensation, a longing for something I'd lost. She stood back up, and the image vanished, but the strange aching in my heart remained.

It must have showed on my face, because L.E. looked at me and asked, "What's wrong?"

I blinked. She was smiling tentatively, curiosity on her face. "Nothing," I said. "I was just reminded of something."

She looked as though she might've wanted to ask more, but she didn't say anything.

We continued walking down the hallway, and I looked sideways at her, this strange person that looked so much like the older brother I'd lost.

She wanted to be a writer, when she grew up. I asked her what kind of writing, and she replied, "Fiction. Novels, probably." She asked me what I wanted to be.

I had to think, for a while. Some sort of politician, like my mom wanted me to be? I didn't feel any excitement at the thought. I was confused. Did I not know what I wanted to be? I shook my head, a small laugh escaping me. "I'm not sure." I stammered. "A graphic designer, maybe." I surprised myself, even as I said this.

"Really?" L.E. asked, interest in her voice. "Do you like art?"

"I like to draw," I told her. We were sitting in our small corner of the front of the school, waiting for the bus.

"That's cool," she said thoughtfully. "What do you usually draw?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. Buildings. Landscapes. Sometimes people. I like drawing my siblings."

"How many siblings do you have?"

"Two. An older and a younger. The older's already graduated." I left out the fact that I saw him whenever I looked at her.

"Oh. Does the younger go here?"

"No. He goes to another school. He's in middle school, though."

The darkness was gathering in the sky. We'd both stayed for after-school activities. I checked my watch. We had another five minutes until the buses would start pulling up.

"Do you still keep in touch with your older brother?" L.E. asked me.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, leaning my chin on them. "No. Yeah. Sort of."

She laughed slightly. "What does that mean?"

"I mean yeah, I text him every once in a while." I felt the solidity of the concrete at my back, tried to figure out how much truth was in what I'd said.

"Oh." She was silent for a while. Eventually she intoned, "It's sad how you slowly start drifting away from them, after they graduate and move out."

I felt a sudden emotion in my chest, sharp and aching. I focused my eyes on the dim ground, struggling to push the feeling back down, to get it under control.

At first I thought that by 'you,' L.E. meant me, and my older brother. Then I remembered her saying she had four older siblings, all of whom had graduated already and moved out. I stole a glance in her direction, and I saw that she was looking out into the driveway, her eyes fixed on some distant point, her mind lost in some thought. I wondered if she ever missed her own older siblings, in the way that I missed Matt.

I looked away before she could turn and see me watching.

When L.E. spoke, her voice was quiet, resolute. "That's the thing about older siblings, I guess. They're there when you're younger, but eventually, they leave, and you're left alone."

Those words stuck in my head, even after I got home that night. I couldn't stop poring over them. I was trying to find something more than the blunt meaning they encompassed, some deeper secret hidden within.