Dear Nobody...

*

I cried today but I don't think anyone noticed.

Youre eyes, they were too busy watching the t.v. screen, or perhaps avoiding me, but even so i believed the first one to be true or at least......I told myself to believe it.

This isn't the first time and it won't be the last.

I just hoped maybe you would notice even just a little and perhaps the question would spill from your mouth without me having to place the words between your lips and watch them fall.

I'm hurting but you haven't noticed.
i'm crying but you can not see.

Perhaps i'm just that good at masquerading it but then again, I didn't want to put on a show.

You cry a lot i've noticed.

Sometimes i notice before your tears have reached the cliffs and fall from your eyes, i can see them on you but you can't see them on me.

I try to keep it to myself with a distraction, a pinch, a deep breath a mumble to myself but sometimes i can not help it.

Sometimes i wash my face endlessly, aiming to rid the warm water from my eyes with that from the faucet, even so a mark is still there... but again... you don't see it.

I'm reading a book and i'm crying.

The words on the page are blurry they're swimming around like an animal in the ocean trying to desperately to get back onto land.

A tear falls with a faint pat, then another, then another. I watch as the water fades into the next page and a new word appears then slowly begins to disappear as if it never happened.

I suppose that's what i do, i let it out then hold it back and make it look like it never happened.

I'm not sure why i'm writing this but i just feel to do so.

It's not a suicide note
It's not a poem.
It's just me.

I'm the kind of person who can make you laugh yet I don't know what to do when you cry. I'll just tell you a joke or make a fool of myself because my own laughter is only what i seem to know.

I can't deal with your crying because you could never deal with mine.

I'm breathing now it's heavy because the lump in my throat is solid. It's like I've eaten something that won't go down, the feeling is painful yet annoying and I can't seem to make it go away.

My eyes, they keep watering but i blink them away, my nose it's beginning to run but i'll just sniffle and you wouldn't think anything of it.

Now we sit a few feet apart and still there is nothing.

Perhaps there's too much on your mind. I feel like there always is and my problems won't help. I tell myself time and time again that's it's selfish that i can not do that to you.

One more problem is still a problem and it's just not fair.

And now you speak to me "have a look" you say and show me something in your hands.

You still haven't noticed, i thought it was written on my face but perhaps it was in a pencil rubbed out, the faint smudge still there but not clear enough to see.

I needed a friend but i decided that i no longer had one not one that would understand.

So i should do what i always do and keep it to myself.

I'll play some music.
I'll read a book.
I'll tell a joke.
I'll be okay.

I always have been i always will be.

I'll have a bath tomorrow and perhaps i'll cry in the white room, surrounded by silence in infinite bubbles whilst the calming smell fills my nose. Then i'll come out and i'll be okay.

I suppose that's how it's always been and that's how i'll always be.

I'm not sure why I wrote this but i wanted to write it all down.

This was not meant for you to see but I selfishly wanted an audience.

Is it too much to ask? Perhaps it is.

*
*
*
To
Nobody but me.
This is for you.

*

*

*
Let me explain.
I wrote this when I was mentally in a dark place. I felt myself becoming depressed almost every day for two weeks in a row. Towards the end of it i decided just to write it down, this poem was written live, you don't need to know when or who i am writing because that is not important.

The important part is that i pulled myself out of it but i still remember the feeling and i know eventually that feeling will return. I know for some people the feeling never leaves, and that's why i decided to share this with you.

If you are struggling with mental health, depression, thoughts of suicide or if you're just under the weather just for one day it's not stupid, it's not taboo, it's not anything...but okay. You're human were not made to be perfect, regardless of what this world has to say.

If you need someone to talk to, while i'm here i will listen. Mental health needs to be discussed, we need more hugs from the people we love as opposed to therapy, we need more attention from those closest to us as opposed from drugs and cigarettes and heavy music drowning sorrows. We don't need these temporary fixes.

What we need is each other, and then we'll be okay.

I love you, that's a start.

XXX

-S