The Cosmic Paint Anthology

Wish I Had Another

"Elliot, what's wrong?"

What was wrong? I couldn't think of what it was that was bothering me. Or maybe I could, but there were too many reasons why.

"Nothing, I'm fine"

Godammit, why couldn't I say anything? I'm not fine! I haven't been fine in a very long time.

"Oh that's good. What do you think of Klaus and Ronnie? Aren't they the cutest?"

Oh you mean my best friend and his girl? I hate them

"They're great, I'm happy for them"

How can I be happy for them? I've forgotten what it is to be happy.

"Are you gonna hang out with us this weekend?"

Hell no. You are guys are so boring, you couldn't entertain yourselves if you didn't have your phones about to distract you.

"I'll probably come, sounds like fun!"

I wish I could say no

"Great, can't wait! Everyone's gonna be there!"

Oh great, everyone's gonna be there. The last thing I want to do is watch them laugh at idiocies they've made and inside jokes they repeat over and over.

"I hate being with them"

"What did you say?"

Oh shit, did I say that out loud? What do I say, what do I say?

"I said I hate being with you"

"You what?!"

Ok you're doing fine, this is probably the only chance you'll ever have to speak your mind.

"I said I hate being with you!"

"Why?!"

"Why? Because I don't belong with you! I don't understand how you think, I don't know your stupid inside jokes, I don't understand why you like certain things or act a certain way! It just doesn't make any sense to me!"

"If we don't make any sense, then why don't you hang around with your other groups of friends?! Why waste your time with us if you think you're so different?"

I was taken aback.

"I guess ... it's because I don't belong anywhere. I'm an outsider, I've got nowhere to go. And I guess I liked you enough that I'd wanted to be a part of you, Marie, but I dug too deep and I couldn't climb back out. Things have changed so much in the past two years and the old Marie that I knew and loved is gone. And I guess the old me is dead and gone too. So don't call me out for being the one who thinks himself different. I've gone through things you couldn't imagine, seen things I shouldn't have seen. I know I'm not even eighteen yet, but I feel old. This isn't how youth should be lived. Maybe I will run off. Maybe I'll find someplace and someone with whom I do belong"