If I were a boy

March 12th...

March 12th...

The description of my life will be incompleted and it will resemple a body without a head, if I don't describe here also the times back then, especially, the golden times of childhood, even thought they weren't as glorious for me.

That's why I decided to summarize my memories of my life, and as much as it's possible, to write them here in order.

Here I start.

My mother left me when I was four years old. She died young. They say that she hadn't even become 23 years old when she passed away. I remember just a little from her: She had a small waist, blue eyes, thin eyebrows, white face, long neck and hazel hair with golden endings. This is all I can write for her looks.

For a time, I remember quite long, she laid in her bed. Often she would bring me to her lap and would entertain me with love. One morning, few days before she died, she brushed my hair and cried in sorrow. Me too, when I looked at her crying, I exploded and cried in big time.

Since that day they whipped me away from home and sent me to aunt Hatixhe. There I stayed for a week. Some times, as I cried, I asked to go back home, but they didn't allow me to. They wronged me with sweets and dolls and threatened me saying that they'll put a pepper in my mouth, if I didn't behave.

After a week they brought me back home. As soon as I went in I cried: "Mother! Mother!" I missed her and I wanted her to entertain me. I searched for her in all fours of the house and didn't leave a dust without noticing it carefully, if she was hiding from me, the same way she did when we played hide-and-seek.

But I didn't find her. My father and aunt Hatixhe, followed me with teary eyes and tried to fondle and comfort me. At the end they told me that my mother had left somewhere, at a party.

Back then I asked them to bring me there, but they didn't obey. They barely could stop me with words and different toys.

For almost a month I had searched for my mother, while crying and asking, but had no benefit. Oh, she had went at a party, she had went somewhere far away, really far away, behind the walls of this life.

Oh, if it was possible for her to come back to life, for at least a couple of minutes, for her to see, that even after all this time, my heart is hurting from all the yearning that I feed myself for her. Oh, if she could reincarnate, ertertain me and kiss me a few times.

How much I need her, but anyways I grew up. The fire of this yearning that has been locked inside, unfortunately, will never dissappear, only when the black dirt will cover even me.

One night, in the house there was a big moving. Apart from aunt Hatixhe, that stood there from the time mother passed away, came even uncle Musa and uncle Sadic's wife's. My father came home even earlier than the usual and we ate dinner without the sun even setting.

After dinner they put me early to sleep, although I didn't wish for.

Tomorrow morning, when I woke up, I saw a foreign woman that got out of my father's room with his rosary in her hands. When she saw me she stopped and entertained me.

The hand that caressed my cheeks, felt rough and cold. I ran away immediately and went to the dinning room, where everyone had gathered around the hearth.

- Come to auntie, - said aunt Hatixhe, as soon as I entered inside as she wanted to take me, but I went and sat on my father's lap.

After me got in the foreign woman and, after putting my father's rosary in front of him, she started to fill the coffee cups.

I was looking at this woman that I never saw before weirdly. My cousin teased me so I could understand who she was. So I didn't resist much and asked.