Back To December

One

I keep a bike in my house, right next to the stairs. It is his bike. He used to go with it to the nearby store whose slogan was 'Fresh and Dusty'. We always laughed when we read it.

The stairs lead to the second floor where in my room, I still keep his necklage with pendant shaped in key form, hanging right above the bed.

He always said I have a strange house. The kind of house situated on the outskirts of the city, before entering into forest, with scarlet walls and plaster falling, a house full of useless things. He never liked it. Maybe that's why we spent most of the time in his modern downtown apartament.

I loved him.

I swear I loved him. But I didn't love him right.

I am wearing a shirt that ends at my thighs and a cotton jersey. I am barefoot and I am walking to the fresh cold snow. I notice my skin is as pale as snow.

Today, is December 13. First day with snow, and my birthday. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I always thought birthdays are over-rated and people enjoy them top much. With every birthday, you're closer to death.

I look at the sky. The flakes fall on my face and I start to feel sorry for them. I have to close my eyes because of the light coming from the cold sun. I stay in the same position for a while, but when I stop feeling my blood going through my veins because of the cold, I go into the house. Not that there would be warmer.

I go in the kitchen and I put water in a kettle and let it boil. I slam down against the wall and the sinking feeling starts as I start reminiscing.

I look at my long fingers. My nails are so ugly. My bangs have grown and now it gets into my eyes.

I realize I am cold. Outside are probably 5 degrees and I don't think in the house are more than seven.

I wish I could take a way the roof of this empty house. I wish it could snow in the house. I wish snow could cover everything with her purity and innocence. Including me.

Water starts to give out the kettle so I take it off and laugh at myself because I have no idea why I put it. I throw it and I hear the gate closing so I rush to the window.

He is heading to the door. He is wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a leather jacket. The lower part of his face is hidden in his scarf and his dark bangs are covering the right eye. He is holding a rose.

The door opens and I hold my breath. He doesn't say anything. He just looks at me.

I know. I look terrible

- Happy Birthday, he says eventually, handing me the flower.

I take it and I notice that it still has thorns. I smell it and I clasp it without caring that the torns are cutting my skins and the blood flows over my arm.

- Damn! he shouts when he notices

He throws the flower away and he pulls me in the kitchen, putting my hand under the running tap. He opens the counter and gets a medical kit of whose existence I had no idea. He knows this house better than I do. He wrappes the bandage around my cut and he binds it.

- Thank you, I whisper.

- When did you become so fragile? he asks squeezing my wrists

" When you left" I want to say but I keep it for me.

- God, you're so cold! he shouts. How many degrees are here?! Why don't you put something on?

He takes his jacket off and puts it on my shoulders.

- I'm not cold. I say but he looks at me disappointed

We are like two strangers. Something makes me think that my birthday is just an excuse for him to make sure I haven't drowned.

I am a wreck.

He sniffles and sits down on the stairs putting his head on his knees. I know its hard for him too. Maybe more difficult than for me. But after all, its not his fault. I want to tell him to leave because I can't forget him if he keeps haunting me. But a part of me wants him to remain forever and somehow to start it all over again.

- How's your mother? I ask without looking at him

- She's good. But she misses you

- I miss her too, I say.

- You can visit her whenever you want.

I shock my head but I don't say anything. I am bitting my lips because I don't want to start crying.

- I was promoted, he finally says

- OH MY GOSH THIS IS WONDERFUL! I am so happy for you! I scream and I start jumping.

He worked SO hard on his job and now he finally got what he deserved.

- Thank you, he smiles

Oh, how I missed that smile.

I go and I sit down next to him. I breathe in and I breathe out and I burst into tears.

He kisses me on the forehead and he puts his arms around me.

- Its okay, babe. he whispers.

I cover my face with my hands because I can't stop my tears from falling down my cheeks.

- Do you think we would have been still together... I mean things would've been the same if I didn't have.... i start to say but he interrupts me because he can't hear the rest.

- I don't know, he says through tears. I don't know.