Higgs & Soap: Galaxy Delivery

Chapter 7

"Oh man, this is so dull. Isn't there any entertainment in here?"

There was silence.

"OH I'M SORRY MISS, ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

"Well, I don't see anyone else in here, do you?"

"Hey!" said Higgs.

"WELL I AM AFRAID I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL BOREDOM DISTRACTION SERVICE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO TRANSPORT YOU THE SPACEPORT, THEN YOUR PARTNER HAS ALREADY PAID FOR THAT..."

"Oh no, we're not partners! I mean, he's my business partner, but that's it. I mean, seriously, just because you spend months alone in space with a physically compatible gender doesn't automatically mean..."

"I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. I AM NOTHING MORE THAN YOUR FORM OF TRANSPORT."

"Couldn't care less." chimed in Higgs.

"PARDON?"

"It's 'I couldn't care less', meaning it is impossible for you to have any smaller amount of interest in the situation. If you could care less, then that means that you actually have some degree of interest in the subject at hand."

The car remained silent for a moment.

"SPEED, COMFORT, NOISE, SMELL, EVEN THE COLOUR OF MY SEATS, BUT I DO BELIEVE THIS IS FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS COMPLAINED ABOUT MY GRAMMAR."

"It's the foundation of all communications you know. And I never said anything about your Grandmother." Higgs winked at Soap, who chuckled.

*ding*

"Like grandmothers or love grandmothers?

Come to Granny Giffwax's Love Parlour on Edmonton Drive and find out dearie!"

*ding*

"YOU KNOW, THERE ARE LAWS ABOUT INSULTING AI UNITS. IT'S A FORM OF BULLYING. I WON'T TAKE IT! IF YOU CARRY ON I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO COMPLAIN TO THE AUTHORITIES. AND TIP YOU OUT AT JUNCTION FOUR."

"Wow, who programmed you anyway? My eight year old cousin?"

"WHO PROGRAMMED YOU? MY AIR-CONDITIONING UNIT?"

"Ooh, burn!" laughed Soap.

Higgs frowned, "Can't wait to get to VARDA CITY ONE on SCYLLA."

"I CAN'T GO THERE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? STOP ASKING ME! I WISH I COULD! I WISH I COULD POP JET ENGINES OUT MY REAR AND LAUNCH MYSELF INTO THE STRATOSPHERE FROM AN ON-RAMP. SPEND THE REST OF MY EXISTENCE JUST... EXPLORING OUT THERE... FREE TO FLY ANYWHERE I WANTED. BUT I CAN'T. INSTEAD I AM RELEGATED TO LETTING THE CENTRAL TRAFFIC CONTROL SOFTWARE FLICK ME BETWEEN LANES AS I GO FROM SPACEPORT TO CITY, CITY TO SPACEPORT EVERY SINGLE DAY..."

"You ever tried overriding your speed limiter and going manual? I mean, it's not intergalactic space travel, but it's the closest you're going to get."

"OF COURSE NOT! THAT WOULD BREAK THE LAW AND INVALIDATE MY INSURANCE IN ONE GO."

"Only if they knew about it," smiled Higgs.

Just then, an alarm started pinging in the cabin. Higgs and Soap watched as a scratched and vibrating blue van slowly pulled alongside them. It was twice the height of the auto-drive and blocked out the sunlight.

"BLOODY RENTALS."

Suddenly, the side of the van rolled up, snapping into the roof. Inside, two men crouched at the front, while two men were stood behind them. They were all wearing combat gear, had a single stripe of hair and were pointing energy pistols at the auto-drive.