NSFW ///When Vkook is bored ///

Hurt

I know nobody wants to read author notes and that i already but to many in here but this is really important. 

First of all i want to thank you for over 1,2K reads. I really adore you for that. And i am very grateful that you enjoy reading my story. 

So here is the deal. I wanted to update the first smutty chapter a few days ago but that was the day, when Taehyungs Grandpa died. So i didn't update out of respect on that day. 

The next few days the condition of my own grandma had gotten really worse, and she could die any day now. For a sixteen year old girl who was literally raised by her grandma that is really hard. I hope it just ends soon because it is really not good for her anymore. I really hope she finds peace soon. I really do Love her so please understand that i don't really am in the mood to write some toy smut right now. 

Still i know myself and i know that i need to write to endure the pain that is going to come. I was never a person who likes to talk about their feelings. Well at least not these kind of feelings. I was or am always the happy one. My patents stopped living together when i was three. My Mom didn't had a job back then so she was really stressed. She would cry and break down because she didn't knew how to handle all of that. 

My Mom told me that I was always there when she cried and would tell her that everything would be ok. My Mom told me that I was the reason she was strong enough to stand up again. Because I may have been just three to four years old but I was so strong in this hard time. 

But I wasn't. I wasn't strong. I was scared of the new kids in Kindergarden, I was scared because my dad stopped visiting me when i was five, after shouting at my face that he had better stuff to do that eat with me, I was scared. 

My Grandma would come and look after me when my Mom started working again. She was always there when i missed my Mom. I found friends easily in Kindergarden. I was a Happy kid. But nobody knew what was wrong with me. I would tell them stories that my dad would buy me a bouncy castle for my birthday. That he was a cool guy. Because in Kindergarden he was still visiting me. Every second Saturday he would walk up to our flat with his one shoulder bag at exact 2pm sharp. When I saw red trains i always said that these are the ones my Papa takes to come to me. But after that outburst of him at dinner, i never saw him again. I don't remember that day at all but my Mom told me that she never saw me crying like that ever before or again. 

In elementary school i had Friends. But i always felt kinda awkward with them. Like i don't really fit in with them. I felt insecure about every thing i did. One of my best Friends today told me that i was one of the "cool kids" back then but i never felt like it. I was loud and a brat. 

My best friend in that time was mad at me one day. And I never knew why but she would say something to me that made everything even worse. 

"at least my Dad loves me" 

After that day I would walk home alone and crying for a long time. Kids can be cruel. But Adults can be even worse. 

There was a lot more Stuff that affected me in one or another way in the future but that doesn't involve my family. I never really had any connection to my family by blood. I never really got to know them. Except the sisters of my Grandma. One of them is already dead but i didn't really knew her that well. 

Her other sister lives 3 hours away so we visit her like every second month if possible, or when something comes up.  I used to spend my Summers at her third sisters house. But that stopped when i tuned twelve. 

Her husband would say thing like "You got really big boob for your age, i bet they will get even bigger." or

"You turn into a women already" 

He tried to come into the bathroom while i was bathing or would try to make me watch porn with him. All that happened in one week, that i stayed there without my Mom. My Mom had to work so she came a week later. After that i never spend a summer there again. I really liked the Summers there, until my Uncle ruined that for me. 

Since then my Family, My REAL Family is on watch whenever there is a party and he was there to. My real Family are the foster parents of my Mom, that my Grandma had to help her with my mom, my three aunts and my cousins. They watched me grow up. They are the ones who we spent Christmas with, who were there on my birthday. I love them so much and even though we are not related my blood, these people are more family to me than the blood related one ever was. 

My Grandma knew that and even though she didn't really liked the idea of me accepting them as my true family she didn't said anything. She was there and would come with me to every party. 

When I was fourteen i had lessons with our priest in school. And she thought it was a good idea to talk to me about my father in front of the whole class. Since one and a half year i can talk about my dad without hurting or crying. So small Sandra cried in front of the class and snapped at the teacher for bringing up that topic in front of everybody. 

I hate crying in front of other people. I feel like i lost when i start crying. Like I'm weak. So over the years i held back everything that i told you just now and so much more. So now i don't cry. 

I wasn't crying even if i really should have.  And I wasn't crying in situations where it would be just normal to cry. I couldn't cry. I just felt nothing. And don't  understand me wrong. I am not depressed or anything. Most of the time I am a happy person. I am never the one who complains about life or how bad things are. I try to make the best out of it. 

So i was really glad i did cry when i thought my Grandma died. Even though i forced myself to stop when i heard she wasn't. It would just be weak and pathetic to cry alone at home when nothing happened jet. 

And I am scared that when i cry now, that i won't cry when it really happens. I know that sounds just dumb but that's how i am. I don't know if i am like this, if I'm honest. 

Since two years I started to really grow. I got stronger. I stopped crying for stuff you shouldn't cry over. I started to accept and Love myself for who I am. I got confident and more outgoing. And i leaned so much in these two years. 

I made mistakes my family doesn't even know about and that is good. I am the youngest in my family. I didn't to anything to bad. I wouldn't touch a cigarette because i hate the smell of it. Remembers me of Dad. 

I did go drinking but not often and just with a few friends. I never got so drunk that i vomited or lost control over my body. I felt pain. I made mistakes and i hurt people. But my friends were with me all the time and they are still with me. 

But what really helped me were Anime and BTS and yeah that sounds really dumb. But through these things I got confidence and self esteem. I learned to love myself and to accept things how they come. 

In these two years my Grandma wasn't herself. It started over two years ago and it will end probably this week. I lover her so much and with her will die the last true blood family member except my Mom that i see as family. 

I already told you that i need to write but don't worry. I wont put more angst in this story just because i feel sad than i already did. And yes my stories reflect my feelings. That is my way of letting it out. So you will probably get some angsty one shots or short Storys if i feel like writing. 

I thought about making my life story it's own book. My friends told me that by the things that they know, with is like nothing, that it would be a good book.  I should really do a book where just write everything down like here. Otherwise who knows what will happen next. 

If you read all of this thank you for listening to me and for all who didn't read it, I can't take it personal or anything. That was a little tiny piece of my life and I hope you understand why i won't write the next chapter for awhile. 

So thank you again, I love you 

Sandra