A Court of Wind and Shadows

Chapter 20

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Feyre

My breathing remained a bit unsteady as I closed my eyes, standing alone on the street of the City of Starlight.

The faeries, both high and lesser, passing by gave me strange looks as they walked along the street. Warranted looks. After all, I had appeared out of nowhere and landed in the middle of the busy day.

My heart beat quickly in my chest, and I tried to just think of what just happened.

Rhys. He had told me not to go, had basically ordered me to stay back. He had gone through so much, we all did. But for all of that, I could not let myself just be pushed to the side. I hoped he would relent, and I understood why he said what he did, I truly did. But I could not let myself stay back, not for this or at all.

I was pregnant, and yes that would cause more concern. My safety was at risk, but I could handle it all, as I had done up until recently. Suddenly, I remembered the conversation we had had at the cabin, all that time ago. When we had perhaps formed our own magic, when i had accepted my fate as a bright future.

He had then said he didn't know what he would do if I was pregnant-and threatened. Perhaps this is what came out of it that was directed to me. Either way, time away from each other, at least a short bit, was all I could hope for now to fix this break formed from fear and pain.

Time. I could give him that for now at least, time and a bit of space to regather his thoughts. I supposed I could use some of that as well.

The feeling of life crackled on my tongue as I slowly started walking along Velaris, near one of the Palaces. It was always as I remembered, bright and full of such a pungent feeling of life that sometimes I wished I could just breathe it in and store it away. But there was something different. There was a darker hint to it, one that spoke of pain, sorrow, and ruin.

My heart squeezed as I saw small buildings lining a part of the city, stone crumbling and scratches and marks decorating it all. People were passing by, and while at first glance everyone seemed quiet and content, there were still some with scars showing on them, both on their skin and on their faces, reflecting the wounds dealt on the inside.

So many, this war had taken so many, and we all still felt it, even after over a year. A shudder ripped through my spine as I thought once again of that last moment with the Cauldron-and then I banished it from my mind.

They had lost so, so much. And we-we had come back, we had survived. So many lost their sons, their brothers, their cousins, their friends, their husbands, their mates.

Mine had died as well, but I had the gift of my love returning back to me.

It reminded me of what Lucien had said all that time ago, when he quietly, solemnly, talked about Jesmida. But then, I had still been a part of the Spring Court, so desperate to try to let Tamlin and I work that  I had nearly destroyed myself.

Tamlin. By the Mother it had been so long since I even let myself think about him. A part of me wondered how he fared, whether or not he was well. Rhys had talked to him, once or twice, near Solstice, and I knew then he had not been...at his best.

There was a part of me-a part that would always hurt and burn at his betrayal, a part that would hate him but care in a broken way, just a miniscule bit. He had sold us out, all that time ago, but in the end, he had helped me rescue Elain and get away from Hybern, he had returned  my mate to me. It was not forgiveness, not in the least bit, but it was...a sort of acceptance-something to be grateful for.