how to stay stuck on loving someone who no longer loves you (AKA, how to be an obsessive stalker)
i. smell him.
take out that jumper he left at your house, pull it on and smell the little lingering cologne. savour it like you'll never smell again, treasure it. curl up in your bed sheets, let his spicy scent weave into your system. indulge yourself, buy his cologne, sit by the boy in your maths class who wears the same one, buy the soap detergent his mother uses. cradle these things, these momentarily relived moments, treasure them as sacred blessings.
ii. hear him.
get drunk and dial his number, when he lets it go to his voice mail, stay silent and just listen to his voice on the dial, try to remember how his lips used to curl around your name. walk by him at school, eavesdrop on his conversations. when he speaks in class feel the goosebumps curl up your spine.
iii. see him.
take out the photographs, stare at his face and remember the planes of his body, how his hands used to move along your skin, how his arms would hold you. remember where your head used to rest and where his lips would brush your forehead. remember where you used to kiss and how you used to run your fingers through his hair. failing that, visit his facebook page and just gaze at his profile pictures, his goofy faces and silly habits. walk the route to school that involves passing his house, go to the spots he is likely to be at in school just to catch a glimpse of him. watch how he laughs and runs his fingers through his hair, frustrated or in thought, like he is lost.
iv. taste him.
this may be hard. kiss as many strangers as you can, forget their names. notice how their lips are a little too full/moist/puckered to be like his and the way he used to kiss (passionate, hot, lazy, intricate). eat cinnamon because cinnamon and heat are how he tastes.
v. touch him.
hug pillows when you go to sleep at night, pretend they're him. hug his sister, they're almost identical after all. hug, kiss, fuck and stroke the hair of as many boys as you can. if this doesn't work, create a life sized card board cut out with pillows attached, dress it in his jumper and add an electric blanket. there. just settle for a lifeless clone if you can't get the real man. just settle, because nobody will compare.
