how to be happy:
i. release.
let go of the past that still hurts you every time you think of it, let go of the memories and the objects you still have from yesteryear, let go of the replays and what ifs. grab these clusters of pain in your hand, fist your hand around it, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze so that the bad connections from them drip free, no good memories remain. release the remains in your hand, the thoughts that connect everything together, after all, they're just thoughts and imaginings and tid bits and exaggerations based on truth. let it go, be free. these weights you carry will be heavy, sometimes you have to realise when time has passed for it to be set free, like lanterns into the sky. things were good whilst they lasted, but don't hold on. you learned what you could, you taught what you could, you hurt all that you did, you were hurt all that you were. but that's okay, release it. let it fly free into the sky. the longer you hold on to something, the heavier it will be, time weighs even the lightest of burdens down into tonne weights. so let it go, let it fly free, let it escape you. liberate yourself.
ii. merge.
wait for a rain storm, a monsoon. wait for rain so hard that it batters roofs and hammers against the windows and causes music that sounds like clattering beads. lie in it. lie down in anything - a wedding dress, pyjamas, their favourite tee shirt, your smartest suit, your late mother's favourite jumper, in nothing. lie down on a concrete floor, a road, a driveway, a roof. lie down, let the rain scrub your skin clean, batter away the version of you they touched and loved, hammer away at all the bad you've done and all the bad done to you. let the rain wash you away. just lie there for as long as you can, hours, the entirety of the storm. focus on this. listen, soak into the earth, be at one with nature. escape everything in your head. merge into this moment, this second, this rain that touches you before it's washed pure, merge into freedom.
iii. grow.
you've been watered, now grow. grow and extend into this world, relish the light and seek it. find new hobbies, try everything you never have before, throw yourself into life almost violently and don't look back. soak up every chance you get. grow into your body, be confident, be rapid, be vibrant. grow into the person you always wanted to be but never had the guts to, grow into a flower never yet pruned, grow into the world around you. grow to be stronger, braver, more permanent. take up as much space as you can, grow in your mind.
iv. sever.
sever the ties with anyone who cuts you deeply, sever the ties with almost everyone who isn't one of the few people you can trust with your life. unless they make you laugh when you're about to cry, unless you'd tell them all about the darkest parts of your life, unless this is returned, cut ties. do it gently. don't be mean, don't be a bad person, don't do it cruelly, just focus on the people who matter, focus on the few people you have, your true friends, family, the true lover. this is not to say do not meet new people, and do not get closer to people, but be careful about who you're friends with, be careful now. if someone has hurt you before, they're likely to do so again. you're walking a tight rope of trust while holding a bowl full with water on your head, not permitted to spill a single drop. balance is key. you have no need for humans in excess, live simply, love simply, sever the unnecessary or anything with a suspicion to hurt you.
v. believe.
believe you can do it, whatever that goal is. believe in your dreams, believe in your short term goals. believe you are worth it. do not see your beliefs as a far off star or even as full, glowing moon. do not see your goals as something only seen at night. see your goals as the sky itself, always there, always above you - you can take the ladder into the clouds, you can swim in the air of your dreams. your goals are around you, seeing all, flexing to every curve in your life. it may change colour, from cloudy whites to blank inks of night to the grey of a storm to the blurred streak of a rainbow, but your life changes, too, as do your dreams. you just need to reach, reach until you're tall enough to grab it. we've all heard the story of the parent whom stole the moon for his child by climbing the ladder he built into the sky, because he loved his child that much. you need to love yourself that much, enough to believe, enough to reach, enough to believe that you can reach.
vi. time.
take each day at once. do not push yourself too hard, be kind to yourself. go slowly now, take sure footsteps, allow yourself to slow down after sprinting a mile, allow yourself to stall sometimes, allow yourself to pace the marathon. savour the speeds. sometimes you will plough head first, sometimes you will need time. but savour it. do not force yourself, do not hurt yourself, do not condemn yourself for taking these speeds. time passes not in ticks on a clock but in the moments. sometimes time will pass slowly with a slow moment, with a moment lived in heartbeats and breaths rather than seconds. sometimes time will pass in a rapid breath drawn in through fear, panic or sheer excitement and nerves. see time as speeds in moments.
vii. love.
love with passion and dignity. realise when love is hurting you and only you, realise when love is one sided, realise when love may not be worth it. love with all your heart and every atom in your body. love in blindingly vibrant colours, love in shades of right and wrong, love in every colour. love your family, love your friends, love your lover and potential lovers and hopeful lovers and never-to-be lovers. love yourself. love your hobbies. love breathing. love nature. love life.
viii. accept.
you must accept things for the way they are. maybe they do not love you the same way you do them, you must accept that this is not your fault, that this is just the difference and distance in frequency between two hearts and the waves of timing out of sync. accept that they are gone, accept what they gave you and how they shaped you, embrace this. curl this into th threads of them laced inside your body, curdling in your veins. accept that things have changed. accept that nothing is forever, this is only for now.
ix. simplicity.
live for the little things in life, the hot coffee on cold autumn days, the first snowflake, the drawing on windows when they steam up, the first time you hold hands with someone, the tingle of sun on your skin, the first sound of birds chirping in spring, the sound of traffic when you feel alone. hold on to nothing, release all with each inhale and exhale. rely on little. appreciate the simple things. do not live for the big moments in life, after all, they come but once. do not live for graduation, or university or the wedding. live for the small things you can appreciate daily rather than a stale memory or hope for 'one day.'
x. condemning.
do not condemn yourself for each slight slip up, for any hint of imperfection. do not condemn yourself for crying, cry all you want, for as long as you want - this does not mean you are not happy, it means you are not happy right now. just never cry for the same reason again. do not condemn yourself for being scared, this does not mean you are not courageous, it means you fear as the bravest do - it does not make you a coward. do not condemn yourself for the break up, for the death, for the alternative happenings that could have been. do not blame yourself, it was not your fault. do not condemn yourself to hearing every cruel word in the book, do not condemn yourself to suffer through things you think you deserve. do not wrongly punish yourself, but accept when you are wrong, help others when you are wrong, but do not blame and punish yourself for all that you think you've done. you are not tied up in a net filled with black viscous words fashioned from lies and history only there to taint you. you are not trapped and incapable, you are only bound by the shackles you've put yourself in, likewise, you only carry the weights you hold your palms out to clutch.
you only live the life you limit yourself to.
be free, release yourself into the breaths that nature exhales.
