Thank you for reading my story and for taking the time to text, email, and DM me with words of encouragement and stories of your own struggles.
Your overwhelming response was so very encouraging but also very enlightening. I think the fact that my story resonated with so many proves the need for transparency when it comes to mental health. Yes, I was nervous to write my story and to confess my struggle but I'm so glad I did. I no longer feel alone.
When you're as low as I was, anyone around you who doesn't understand can cause more harm than good. It only isolates you further into your own head. So, to air out my thoughts as I did and to have the response I did, is so encouraging to my soul. Each word you wrote back to me was like a light in the dark. And sometimes, just knowing you're not alone, is all you really need.
I felt crazy for so long and would beat myself up for not handling things better. More mature. Why wasn't I stronger? Everyone else seemed to handle their lives so much better.
Now that I'm on the road to recovery I see the very heavy burdens I had become so accustomed to carrying. Life felt too big. Parenting felt too big. And any minor hiccup or setback would throw me over the edge. Everything felt insurmountable and I felt hopeless.
I can now see that I was descending into madness long before July. Long before the trip that turned permanent. I can nearly pinpoint it to the day...
I tried desperately to fight the darkness I felt closing in all around me. I tried all the fallbacks. All the things that used to interest me or bring me joy. Instead I only felt empty and raw. What had become of me? I didn't recognize myself. My light had gone out and it didn't matter how much fire-starter I tried. I was out. Done. Gone.
I knew something had to change. I felt it so strongly in my soul. But I didn't know how and I didn't know when. It just had to change in order for me to survive. That's all I was certain of.
The answer to my discord was so very simple but I chose instead to burden myself with the cares of the world. At least it felt that way.
I feel my story so closely mirrors that of Christian in Pilgrim's Progress. He carried heavy burdens through numerous obstacles but, when he got to the end, he found that the burdens he had carried for so long -they'd become familiar friends- were useless. With. Out. Use.
The answer wasn't found in doing more or being the best. It wasn't in having the perfect house or children. It wasn't in the to-do's.
It was in the rest. The pause.
I found my answer by saying 'no'. By saying enough is enough. My answer came when I got to the end of myself. When I admitted that I was done.
Just because we made a drastic life change does not mean life slowed down for us. I don't want to paint an unrealistic image for you. We're still raising 4 kids. Life is still hectic and unpredictable. Every day there's something new. But, because I feel lighter, those life-intrusions no longer feel too heavy. They're manageable.
Maybe you don't need to make a drastic change as we did but your mental health should be your top priority.
It's ok to say no. It's ok to get help. It's ok to not be ok. And, it's ok to let your humanness show. We're not robots. ❤️
