. • . • . • . • . Dedicated, to those who suffer through anxiety, and depression. If you feel like there is no end, there is. Don't let your mind beat you from thinking there isn't. Love you all. . • . • . • . • .
Sleepless nights were normal, normal for me at least. It's hard, it's hard and it's scary to fall asleep in this house, not knowing what can happen at any moment... it is horrible considering that this is my own home, but really it feels like it isn't... which is why I'm glad I'll be able to move out in four-month considering I'll be eighteen, and I'll be able to have my own place... a place where I can feel safe. But I have to remember that I can't focus too much on the future, I have to focus on today, and how today is the first day of my last year of high school. Senior year.
Which is then reminded by my alarm clock, how it's going off right now telling me that I should get up and get ready. I took in a deep breath, as I just stare at it for a second before I slap it so it'll turn off. And right on the dot, it's 5:15 in the morning.
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My hand slowly slides off the alarm clock... I couldn't help but not feel a difference. Every school year I expect myself to feel nervous, but I just feel exhausted that I have to do this for another ten months. That I have to think about what the future has in store for me, and if my life will be as planned out as I hope it will be... or I'll just fall down the hill like I always do, and, or end up like the one person I don't want end up as... my mom.
I forced myself to sit up on my bed, as I'm rubbing my eyes lazily, stretching my legs out to wake myself up a little more. I look over at the clothes I have laid out from last night so I wouldn't worry too much this morning. I just couldn't help myself but to lay back down, stare up at the ceiling not wanting to go to school, not wanting to lose sleep all over again. But, it's only a feeling, feelings I always get actually when it comes to having to go to school.
After an hour and something has passed by and I have finally decided to get ready, I stare at my reflection on the mirror...
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Still trying to understand the feeling, I'm feeling at this moment, and I'm still not sure what it is just yet but I do know is that I'm not nervous or scared. Maybe just confused, I guess. I only shake my head, as I grab my phone walking out of my room and locking it so no one is able to enter. I turn around to see piles of clothes scattered around the hallway trailing back to my moms' room, which disgusted me. I scrunch my nose as I'm running down the stairs. I slowly then examine the kitchen to see an empty wine bottle and two wine glasses filled and not finished from what I believe is from last night since it wasn't there from when I came home, and also there is some unfamiliar pair of keys on the counter, I guess another man is here.
