The Pointless Pursuits of a Particularly Preposterous Person II

 

In a faraway land atop a dead, decomposing giant Blue Whale, there sat a little pink cottage. In this cottage there lived a strange, demented creature by name of Argyllmylsvouth. Now, those who have read the first installment of this rather odd and incredibly pointless story will be familiar with this bizarre, genderless specimen who for now shall remain as male. They would also, of course, be familiar with his greasy, greyish-green skin, his morbid protruding belly and his long, spindly fingers attached to the bottom of his long, spindly arms. His strange three-toed feet, his one eye like a wonky Cyclops and his rotten yellow teeth, which were pointed like filthy daggers. But all of these bizarre and sickening features are nothing compared to the madness within.

            Argyllmylsvouth had a terrible addiction to cocaine. He also had a curious obsession with melons, but we’ll get to that some other time. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the illegal substance of cocaine, it is a white powdered drug that should never be confused with white sugar. I remember one very awkward time when I was making tea for a friend of mine and I accidentally put a great deal of cocaine in it. Don’t ask how I got it; I’ve already got one pointless story to write. Anyway, when my friend finally came out of their coma, they weren’t best pleased.

            Our story starts outside a lovely little pub just around the corner from Argyllmylsvouth’s little pink cottage called ‘The Duke’s Kidney’. Well, when I say it was a lovely little pub, I mean it was a decrepit mess littered with criminals and druggies, and the stench was terrible. It was, however, conveniently close to Argyllmylsvouth’s home and sold cheap booze, so it served its purpose well.

            Argyllmylsvouth sat slumped against the side of The Duke’s Kidney in a cramped alleyway round the back where the entrance to the kitchen was (yes, there was a kitchen). Unfortunately for him, Argyllmylsvouth wasn’t actually allowed in the pub anymore because he had a nasty habit of randomly shooting people. This might have been because of Argyllmylsvouth’s other nasty habit of always carrying a gun in one of the pockets of his tatty shorts, which were pretty much the extent of his clothing. On the upside, the barman still let him have a glass of beer every now and again because his disgusting body odor covered up the terrible stench of the pub nicely.

            “How did I become like this?” Argyllmylsvouth asked himself, even though he already knew the answer. He was skint, and with no money he couldn’t fund his drug issue. A few weeks ago, he had tried to murder his millionaire cousin, Kevin the Bear, to get cash, but his many attempts had been unsuccessful. It turned out that accountants, especially bear accountants, were very hard to kill. Now he was sat in a dingy alleyway with drug dealers and rotting corpses of drug dealers that went out of business.

            Before he could start crying and thinking about how abysmal his life had become, however, Argyllmylsvouth was rudely interrupted by a pair of squabbling dope heads. 

“Wha you looking at, you cowturd?” said one dope head, lobbing an empty bear bottle at a dustbin.

“Who are you callin a cowturd, ya… I dunno. You saying I’m..? Whowawassmaszszszzsz…” the other dope head replied angrily, his legs wobbling haphazardly. Before Argyllmylsvouth’s very eye, an extremely tense slap fight broke out.

“Do you mind?” he shouted, “I am trying to wallow in my self pity here!” Argyllmylsvouth sighed and shot both of them between the eyes with his handy handgun and then grimaced. He didn’t get the same satisfaction that he used to from killing strangers anymore. There was nothing that he could do to drown out the screaming voice of addiction that haunted his head. The alcohol helped a little but that always made him want to pee, which meant running like crazy back to the pink cottage for a toilet stop. Little did he know that very soon his luck was about to turn… and then come crashing back down again.