Violent Hummingbirds

CHAPTER ONE

I wrote this a year ago so idk what it's like. It looks like I spent more time on my writing back then, than now tbh.

My labouring breath had spoken an un-known amount of lies before I had left.

Sometimes I wonder how many had escaped my lips- and how many I do now. At eighteen I had gone to university afraid and alone. My friends scared to go back to my expecting family, who's arms would be open lovingly for their son to never return.

But maybe they wouldn't have loved me as much if they knew.

I had shaken the thought as my tired body shuffled aimlessly along the small apartment I had shared.

The phone rang, and 'MOM' stood out in bold across the screen like a big warning sign. With a guilty conscience and a sigh, I had rapidly pressed the red phone symbol haphazardly, as I submerged into amity. Amity that was broken from the sudden buzzing on my lap.

Frustration from this simple notion made me throw my phone onto the sofa. It bounced off and hit the wooden floor, as I watched with regret. I slumped to the floor in an un-known emotion. The stress of everything was distorting and I didn't know how to handle it. The preaching of those in my church that homosexuality was as bad as murder- as bad as rape- ran through my head at a rate that it could challenge Usain Bolt.

Anxiety settled in my chest.

Fingers knotted in my lap.

I decided to skip lecture that day.

Nobody knew. Nobody knew that I loved boys instead of girls. Contorted images of what others would do if they knew I was gay raised the Goosebumps on my arms, made the breath hitch in my throat. If I got a job I could get kicked out. I could get beaten up of harassed and the law did not protect me. I often wondered how people get the courage to come out. Sometimes I got angry- why do people care about who I love? Sometimes I got hopeless- this is never going to get better. Sometimes I got sad- I can't do this. And sometimes I had thoughts that maybe it was easier to wish upon eternal sleep. Ocean eyes could whisk me away in another universe. Mr and Mr, a person who is the prettiest boy in the world. Two tuxedos under wedding bells, no segregation after 'I do.' But perhaps it was the breathtakingly beautiful ocean eyes here that keep both my feet on dry land. My eyes glistened with the impossibilities. Confliction ran in my chest. A question I still didn't know the answer to.

Is it ok to be gay?

I stood on the balcony that night, thinking about Him. Laughing at a joke of a notorious tanned brunette slut, His eyes had skimmed over mine during lunch, making my heart flutter with a nonsense thing called love.

I strolled down to the lake under a dark blanket filled with lost wishes and promises of complete strangers. I often wondered how insignificant I was- why I was worrying so much. Or maybe that was to fill that vast gap in me. I had no money to move. I didn't do well on my finals. I was stuck in a place I never wanted to be in. My mom and dad had told me time and time again how gays would go to hell. Descriptive words for members of he LGBT community flowed fluently off their tongue. The words had wrapped around me, bounding me to a heterosexual partnership which would lead a life of misery and despair.

I had held a rock in my fist on the edge of the welcoming waters. Its jagged edges releasing the burning fluids of hatred from my palms. I threw it as far as I could, causing a ripple in its perfect waters. The raw anger that I had let seep from my hands began to transcribe as pain. For a while it had distracted me from the aching in my heart.

My roommate had looked at my cut palms with worry, but he quickly retreated to his room. He was always wary of anything and was either at the back of a lecture theatre or in his room. It was hard to determine his true personality-as I so much liked doing. I wanted to understand people, sympathise with people. People are like books with no ending.

But, I mean everything's a little different now.

The blonde-haired, blue-eyes talked to me again the day after. Awkward laughter and leaning bodies both signified something for us. Unspoken words that would never be said hung in the air. Content spread until she came along. Caramel hair took Him away and I was left on my own again. At least He had looked back with pleading distress.

I had suddenly remembered that the last time I had eaten was a couple of days ago that evening. Tired body and soul dragged itself to the kitchen where shaking hands poured soup into a bowl.

I had a long sleep afterwards.

He had said He was concerned when I showed up to lunch. His firm grasp took my stick-wrist into the canteen, as I inhaled his scent like a drug. I wanted more. A bowl of chicken and rice was placed in front of me, where half of it was devoured. His hand had been resting on the table. Senses overdriven, I reached out for it- but reality hit me like a train. My hand ended up prodding a piece of chicken.

I tried to avoid the look of disappointment in His eyes.

Slut-face had come over to me. Hissing words of exchange had floated through the air like a violent storm. Had I been too obvious? Unrest settled in my stomach- but relief as well. I had been stopped before it had gotten too far.

My apple ended up in the bin.

I plugged in my headphones and had tried to ignore glancing up at Him. Eyes boring into my back throughout lecture, throughout lunch, when I walked back hastily to my peace-place.

I was sick of everything.

Trapped in a box and the oxygen was running out.