Changing for the better (Jedward fanfiction)

chapter 14: The discovery

John's POV

I was breathing heavily and kept looking down at the lamb while the tears streamed down my face. I hoped everything would go well when I would do this for the first time on my own. Well I wasn't totally on my own, but it wasn't like she was that much of help, she couldn't tell me what to do. I only could tell her what to do. I wanted my family to be proud of me. But who is this dumb and forgets the day itself that the sheep would have a lamb? yeah I know, it's even more than stupid... I don't even have words for it. I just hate myself now.

The only thing I can do is cry now, it doesn't make this lamb come alive. It doesn't makes the sheep happy. Her lamb just died, I should feel more sorry for her than myself. Just imagining that one of my children would die when I would have one, just hurts me already. I may sound like a weirdo now, but I want my animals to be treated just like me. I always think like that.

I looked up at (Y/N) again, I just wanted to see her face. I hoped it would make me feel better. She is so beautiful, on the outside. But when I look at her right now, she is just standing there. She looks like she doesn't even care about this now. It's like she is thinking about something else and has no eyes for the situation here right now. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she really doesn't have a heart.

When she noticed I watched her, her expression changed.

"I told you, you should have called the vet." she said looking quite angry somehow. See, she is already blaming me. She doesn't even know me. She doesn't know my situation. She doesn't even know what I have been through! That she has a father that buys everything for her, doesn't mean that I can do that myself too. But I won't tell her, it's none of her business.

I felt how some tears welled up in my eyes again. Everything in this situation is making me so sad. I can only tell myself that it wasn't my fault that I couldn't call the vet. The rest was my fault though. I spent the last money I did have on Her. And she dares to talk to me like that? Although she doesn't know what is wrong with me, she doesn't even know anything about the farm, only the things I told her.

I stood up and put the dead lamb in the bucket and took it with me. I didn't want to be around her at the moment. I knew I would get really angry with her otherwise. I couldn't hold back and looked at her one last time before saying, almost whispering: "I have lost my hope…"

I have lost my hope for her. I have lost the belief in her to become a nice, sweet person. This is just the person she is, I have to accept that.

I walked to the cows while holding the bucket in my hand. I heard how the cows were mooing loudly for food and it made me even more sad. I wanted to make everything alright again at this farm. I wanted it to be perfect, just like it used to be. But I discovered it isn't possible on my own. Everything is so dirty around here, I can't look after all my animals because there are way too much. But the sad thing is that I need the money they make for me. I don't want to end up like my family did…

I put the bucket down along the street outside. I put a plastic sheet over it so nobody has to see this scary sight. I have to call the company again... they have to pick this up. I wish I shouldn't have. I wish this little lamb would be drinking milk by his mother now, but it wasn't.

I had walked back to the house before calling the company. I ate something afterwards and made myself ready to milk the cows.

I wanted to check on the sheep one last time before I would milk the cows. I walked into the stall and expected to see (Y/N) too.

But she was already gone.

Knowing that she was not around made me feel quite sick. I could feel it all over my body, but I shouldn't. She is not the right person to be friends with, she will hurt me so badly. I just have to let the feeling go… which is easier said than done.