Vlog Squad Imagines {Discontinued}

s.s - angst

Warnings: breakup, questioning sexuality. i wanted to write this because i, including many other people in the world, have gone through this. i was thinking about events that happened in my life and i just decided to write my thoughts into something that could potentially help some of you? idk, but i hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless!

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three months now. And I loved him, I did. But for the past month or so I had been feeling confused. A lot of my teenage years were spent trying to figure out who I was. But once I got out of college I had to focus on making a living. And because of that, I never really had the time to actually figure out me.

Instead, I ended up meeting Scotty, whom I fell in love with fairly quickly. He was the one who pushed me to quit my job, and follow my dream. Writing. Which ultimately made me decide that I couldn't write other characters who knew themselves if I didn't even know who I was.

I took a trip home to visit family, and while I was there I got to meet up with an old friend. No, I did not cheat. I would never do such a thing to Scotty, he didn't deserve that. Frankly, no one does. Anne, my friend from highschool, and I went out to get coffee and to catch up. She told me how she had recently come out to the people in her life, as gay.

I know for sure that that is something I'm not. I very much enjoy men, especially Scotty. But after hearing Anne tell me about her experience, everything that had gone through my mind in my teenage years came rushing back.

See, I've always known that I was interested in guys, but I was never completely sure I was straight. I thought maybe I was bisexual, but I never really knew much about it. My town wasn't small, but it was quite small minded. The LGBT community was never much discussed in our town, so I was never very much educated on it.

I started looking up definitions and talking to people online who were apart of that community. And, because I've always been incredibly indecisive, I never came to a conclusion. So, I stuck with straight, because that was what I knew best.

And then this past month happened. I realized that I should've figured out long ago what I was. I owed it to myself, and I definitely owed it to the man that I had been with for the past three months. Which, has brought me to the current conversation I'm having.

"I need to talk to you." I had been working on the courage to come clean, I suppose, to my boyfriend about the thoughts I had been having.

"Sure. Everything ok babe?" Scotty placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze before sitting beside me.

"Kind of? That's actually what I need to talk to you about. I've been feeling confused, and conflicted about my sexuality lately. And I think, that in order for me to figure everything out, I need to do it alone." I grabbed his hands, running my thumb over his knuckles. His face was blank, and I couldn't tell what was going through his mind whatsoever.

"L-like, you're gay? I-I'm not comprehending." His eyes were wide and questioning, and immediately I felt bad. I didn't want to hurt him. That's something I never wanted to do.

So I explained. I told him about my thought process in highschool, how I never got to finish it. I recounted the events that happened while I was home, and how it really got me thinking again.

"I need to find myself, Scotty. I don't know who I am, and that's not fair. To either of us. But I love you, and I want to make sure you know that. Not once have I ever doubted my love for you." Unexpectedly, he hugged me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and embraced me.

"I love you, too. And I understand. Kind of. I don't want you to be in this relationship constantly questioning if that's what you want. So if you need anything, ever, I'll always be there. Because before I fell in love with you, you were one of my best friends. And that's what best friends do. They're there for each other."

Thus, my relationship essentially ended. But it was for the best. For both of us. And who knows? Maybe the two of us will have a second chance in the future. But until then, I'm officially focusing on myself. And that's a good thing.