Diary of a sad poet

Chapter bonus

This chapter isn't a poem.it will probably be the longest I've ever made in this book.its just a long story that I simply couldn't describe enough with rhyming words.
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There were alot of time where i felt my weakest.i asked my mother who is also a poet, "why do you write poems?".
"When you feel sad,try writing.not necessarily poems just try writing anything in general"
She answered me.

So being a person who changed over time i found the idea pleasing,before i was always so open about my problems,I always talked about my problems to people, some would tell me it's annoying and just a waste of time and to get over it,and some would be nice and guide me.

But when i started getting more negative reactions,I realized how selfish i was.
To just pour my problems over people.
They had their own problems in life and i was giving them yet more pressure.

So I decided that I won't talk about my problems again. I will only keep them to myself.i collected every emotion inside me and put them each into their own bottles,
I was fine i knew it wouldn't be that bad.

But soon each bottle started to get full,and they would explode out of nowhere and anywhere,sometimes right before i go to bed,

Or in the shower,when i come back home from school or even having to put my head between my arms in class to hide my frustration,
Sometimes when i have to excuse myself from the class because of a headache or feeling sick but really i just want to stay alone for a while,

I hate people seeing me cry,no matter who it was,not even the closest to me,when i would have a complete breakdown in the school hallway to my teacher who came to ask why I've been failing all my tests,

I hated the way people stared at me,i kept hiding my face and my tears,its the feeling you have when you want to talk,when you really want to talk and say something out loud,

But you can't because you are right on the edge of breaking down,when your voice cracks and you feel your throat tighten,
And you stop mid-sentence from whatever you are talking about,

They keep asking you "are you ok?",
"Do you need some time?"
And they rub your back,but it only makes you want to cry more,you just want to tell them what's wrong but its like your own self is holding you back,

When you only need a hug and a shoulder to cry on,I don't want to get anything and I don't want to get comforting,i just want a hug that could make me less lonely,

I always felt lonely even if i was standing in the middle of a crowd,I always held so much in my heart that was just waiting for me to open my mouth so that all this pressure could leave my body,

When you just want to talk to your parents but they don't understand what you're getting at,
"Why would you feel like this? Look at our house,look at our family,look at everything we've given you" my parents tell me,

"Its not like this father,i just feel like I don't deserve anything you give me" i spoke on the urge of tears,
I don't know why i feel like this,I don't know why i feel so sad all the time,

I can't stand looking at my baby pictures because I always tell myself how much they expected me to make them proud,
When we have a parents meeting in school I don't tell my parents because I'm too ashamed of what they will hear,

I attended my own graduation alone,because I didn't achieve anything to celebrate for,
I only asked them once for the sake of just asking,a part of me broke when they said,
"We are both busy" but I'm still glad,they don't have to be sitting there watching me celebrate something i never achieved,

I did my own makeup and wore a dress that I've worn two times before,i just let my hair down and brushed it,I didn't get any flowers and I didn't take any pictures,

I celebrated alone but i was happy to have passed a level of my life,i still had one last graduation,i kept telling myself that,
One last graduation left and I'll be able to leave them so that they are finally done with all of my problems,

If i was asked why i don't celebrate anything in my life,I would probably say that I'm lazy.
But how can I deliver the message that I've tried before,

I tried but no one wanted to come,no one shows up.how do i say that I've learned my lesson?

On my birthday i light my own candle and sing happy birthday to myself,a tear or two might fall but I don't know if it's because of happiness or sadness,

On halloween i sit in my bed and watch a horror movie and on Christmas i gift myself a little journal to write in,on new years i sit in the garden watching the fireworks,I don't know what time it is but i know my wish,

I put my hands together and look at the sky,
"God please let me feel better and happier this new year". It never worked it never changed anything,

I started to lose my faith and myself,god who was once the only one I always turn to is now just god,

When i would pray before going to bed,now i just let my tears rock me to sleep,i look at the moon in the sky and ask it,
"Can i ever be as pretty as you?" I don't get an answer but i smile,

An actual question that might stupid to some always rocks my mind,
How can people take pictures without filters?
I never had a picture in my gallery without a filter or me covering half of my face,in my eyes i was not pretty, I wasn't even near attractive,

My body isn't pretty and I won't ever believe someone who tells me its not,i hate to go shopping,i see this really great dress that I imagine myself in,but when i try it on i feel like i could break down crying and just ask why the hell am i like this?

Whenever I'm asked out i keep letting them down,how do I explain that I'm too insecure and they will probably be disgusted when they see me?

Living with someone who is emotionally abusive is really hard,the things you keep getting told,
"If you don't pass this Exam you won't even be allowed to go to school anymore,you will sit at home. We are not paying for you to fail like the failure you are"

"Can't you be more like your brother?!?"
"Your cousin just entered medical school,and i had high hopes for YOU"
"Yes we like your brother more then you! Is this what you wanted to hear??"
"Yeah of course keep blaming everything on your depression"

I break and break ever damn second,my own family left me hanging by a string.no matter how much I'll smile with them and celebrate with them deep down inside i feel like an overcast,i feel distant from each one of them.

I feel so sorry and foolish when i cry in front of my friends,I'm so weak and i only bring problems,

Sometimes i felt weak and to be honest I can't say that I've never thought about giving up forever,

At night I wanted to go to sleep but not wake up,I've hit my lowest and I've been the weakest,i cried on my own,I laughed on my own I celebrated on my own and I carried on on my own,

Sometimes you just feel like you can't take it anymore,it all gets too much,even the bottles you've put up are getting weak,

When will my wall completely break? It could be today,or tomorrow or anytime.

The truth is that I'm just a weak person pretending to be strong,I'm just a crybaby pretending to be heartless,

When I'm sad i turn to writing which is why I'm the sad poet,because I only write when I'm sad,

I'm afraid to be happy because happiness is scary,I want or i wish that one day I'll write a poem when I'm truly happy,

I don't know how long i could hold on,
But Right now I'm broken,and I'm healing
Just to break again.

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Please try to understand this story,i was really frustrated and sad when I wrote this,its personal,I couldn't put all my emotions in this story but since I don't have anyone i could talk to,maybe strangers could hear me,
Also thanks for 100 reads I'm really happy with it 🖤