THE JELLO THREAT
by KC
Neal was so happy to see Mary, whom he had always adored from a distance, standing at his doorstep, that he forgot she had recently started the local branch of the Vivian Vance Fan Club. For some reason the image of Vivian Vance filled Neal with unpleasant dizziness. When Mary asked him to join the club, he knew this would be his chance to be close to her, and so rationalized that he would somehow not let his reaction to Vivian Vance get in the way. Seeing the pleased look on Mary's face when he agreed to join made Neal feel that things would all work out.
These optimistic feelings stayed with Neal as he knocked on Mary's door the following Saturday, where the meeting would be held in her basement. But the moment he reached the bottom of the stairs, he realized he had only been fooling himself. There were posters of Vivian Vance everywhere, and several TVs had been set up with VCRs that showed videotapes of the scenes from episodes from "I Love Lucy", "The Lucy Show" and "Here's Lucy" where Vivian had a dominant part. Another TV was showing the coffee commercials that Vivian had also done. All around the basement were groups of people discussing their favorite moments in Vivians's career. Soon Neal was so overcome with dizziness that he headed for the door to run outside to vomit. To his embarrassment he looked up to see Mary watching him after he had thrown up on her lawn.
"Oh Neal," she said, "I am so moved. I never realized you could get so overexcited about Vivian Vance. I'm envious of the strong impact she must have on you!"
At first Neal didn't quite know what to say. It would be foolish to reveal the truth to Mary - that his reaction to Vivian Vance was negative, not positive, especially at this moment when she was giving him so much attention. So he decided to go along with her misguided interpretation of his action. "Yes, Mary," he said, "I guess it was too much of a good thing all at once. I don't think I can handle any more of it today, and had better go home."
Mary looked at him warmly and said, "Of course I understand. Someone as sensitive as you are to the wonderful influence of Vivian Vance must be careful. I'll inform the other members of the situation. I'm sure they'll be honored when they realize they're in the same club with someone who is so in touch with how marvelous Vivian Vance is."
Neal walked home in a confused state of mind. He was excited that his conversation with Mary was the most intimate he had ever had with her, but he felt guilty that he was misleading her. By the time he got home, he was exhausted, and so went to his bedroom to take a nap.
He immediately fell asleep and began dreaming. He was sitting in a booth in a cheap diner in 1950s New York City, with a hamburger and a cup of coffee in front of him. As he was about to eat, he heard two people coming in the door. He looked up to see that it was Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance. They appeared to be having an argument. Lucille was saying that they should reveal "the truth about Jello", while Vivian was furious at the idea, saying that it would cause irreparable damage to American society. Lucy responded that America's misguided perception of Jello would cause even more damage in the long run, and that the sooner the public was set straight, the better it would be. The two of them then walked directly over to the booth where Neal was sitting, and sat across from him.
"It's about time you're back, Neal," said Lucille. Did your trip into the future give us the information we want?"
Of course Neal was confused by the whole situation. He had no memory of ever talking to Lucille Ball or Vivian Vance before, and had no idea what they were talking about.
"He seems to have become disoriented," said Vivian, knowingly. She then called to the waitress behind the counter, "Selma, please bring over a dish of Jello."
