Completely, Absolutely

For years I was in love with a boy but was too scared to tell him how I felt... until now! I'm so happy to have been commissioned by Netflix to bare my feelings in an open letter to my crush, all to celebrate the premiere of TO ALL THE BOYS I'VE LOVED BEFORE!

Now it's your turn! Write a letter to your crush and tag it #ToAllTheBoysContest for a chance to win some cool prizes! Check out the contest rules on the Wattpad @TeenFiction profile and be sure to watch To All the Boys I've Loved Before, now available on Netflix! xx

Dear Ben,

There's really no easy way to say this, and sometimes-okay, all the time, I feel like a fool because we've never even met, and yet, I can wholly and confidently say that for a long time, I loved you.

I'm not sure how it happened. One day you weren't in my life at all, and then you were, completely and absolutely. For a long time after, I tried to pinpoint the when-that specific moment in time my heart decided on you. Was it the time I called to speak to your brother, but you picked up instead and made me laugh till I cried? Or was it when you would text me to ask about my day, a simple question that no one ever seemed to care about except you? I was sure if I found the when I could dissect and unravel the moment and find something ugly that would make me think the worst of you and make it easier to forget you.

All I found were one-minute conversations that became hour-long talks until evening hellos smeared into early morning goodbyes. All I can recall is the sound of your voice, and how I didn't want to hang up, how I didn't want to sleep just to spend those precious moments existing with you, being "seen" by you, being cared for by you, the way you once told me you do. It's only now I realize it wasn't a moment or something you did that made me fall for you, it was who you are.

I wish I could have been brave and said yes, hop on the train and come see me the way you'd offered so many times-a two-hour train ride that would have changed our lives. Brave enough to make the trip myself, surprise you after class and tell you in person, Hi Ben, I love you. With you, I feel at ease and understood in a time when I don't make sense to anyone, not even myself. I should have told you then how I felt. Maybe then you would have considered us and reconsidered choosing her.

But I feared your answer and losing you as a friend, believing that having you in any capacity was better than not having you at all. The sad thing is you left as quickly as you came, completely and absolutely, and all I have left now are shards of memories and feelings that, to this day, I have no idea what to do with.

So, consider this me being brave. Consider this letter my confession, my closure, my truth. I loved you, completely and absolutely.

I still do.

Always,

Monica

Thank you so much for reading!