The Diary of a Suicidal Child [COMPLETE]

04/10/2009

I might've caught the writing fever or something because it seems that I just can't stop writing entries into this diary. Maybe it is due to the strings of my fate being pulled by some unknown power as I mentioned in "The Spectator" or maybe it's because I don't really have "A Face of My Own". Whatever be the reason, I just can't stop writing.

It's really addicting. More than the addiction I have to nicotine. Oh right... I never mentioned it before either. I've got a bit of a smoking problem. I can't quit. I've tried about a hundred times and failed miserably. I guess the joke "I quit smoking everyday" was made just for me.

It's not just smoking, I'm also a heavy consumer when it comes to alcohol. Though I might not call myself an alcoholic as I still don't really feel the need to constantly consume it on a regular basis. Wish I could say the same for a pack of smokes. I need like one every five minutes or so.

What started off as an innocent beginning to a bad habit, has turned into an addiction. I just can't get enough of it. I still remember the first time I had a cigarette. I coughed and coughed like a man possessed. Basically, I believe I took up smoking in order to fill the void of self-harm I've been feeling as of late. I've kicked the habit of cutting and bruising myself so I guess it had to be replaced by something.

I know all about the consequences of smoking too. From getting high blood pressure levels, jammed arteries, bronchitis, and all the way to mouth and lung cancer, I'm well aware of them all. However, it still doesn't help me in kicking the habit. I wonder if I'll be ever free of this cancer stick.

I've gotten bored of it many a times but when the withdrawal symptoms kick in, I feel myself reaching for a cigarette once again. So yeah, I've been smoking like crazy for the past few months. I'm almost at 2 packs a day. I'm so glad that I've got a part time job as a veterinary assistant or else I'd never be able to support my smoking habit.

Anyway, I should really get to bed now before I end up a walking talking zombie due to all the fatigue I'm facing due to my smoking. It gets worse during the times I'm having a financial crunch and have to cut my expenditure. And since I don't get my pay till next week, I really need to get my shit in check.

Maybe this time I'll also get my long bangs of straight, messy brown hair, dropping down to my eyes, cut from the pay I get. I'm sure that'll really surprise Mom and make her happy. She'd be glad her son doesn't look like a junkie from a boy band. It doesn't help that I've grown my facial hair a bit too. The next pay and I'll be like "Barber shop, here I come."