(trigger warning-self harm)
Josh is gay. Josh is bulimic. Josh self harms. Josh loves Matt. Josh does heroin, smokes, drinks, parties. Josh does a lot of things. He just hasn't told anyone yet.
Life is pretty normal for me. A sixteen year old living in Vancouver. Except for the fact I smoke -cigarettes and heroin-, I drink heavily and I self harm. Did i mention I'm in love with my best friend, Matt??
Now, you're thinking 'What the fuck is wrong with this kid?'
A lot.
***
'Josh! Get up, you're gonna be late!" My mother's shrill voice echoed through the hall and into my room. This was always the worst part of the day. The urge to grab a razor first thing in the morning was agonizing. As I got up and stretched, I felt fresh cuts from the night before split open.
"Shit.." I hissed and pressed my shirt against my bony hips.
Rushing to the bathroom and locking the door, I yanked my shirt over my head and sighed. Cuts criss-crossed across my hips and stomach. I looked like a road map. A pale chubby road map. I stared into the full length mirror, tears filling my eyes.
Individual scars that etched out the word 'failure' across my side stood out like flares against my extremely pale skin. I jumped when I heard a loud knock on the bathroom door.
"Josh, come on! I need to get ready for school!" It was my older sister, Sara. I swallowed hard, holding back anymore tears.
"Just a minute!" I frantically searched around the roll of gauze and tape I always kept hidden. Quickly ripping off pieces with my teeth and taping them to my side, I pulled my shirt back on and opened the bathroom door.
"What the hell were you doing, Josh?" Sara looked at me and scowled. I shook my head and squeezed past her to my room.
After changing into new clothes, I rushed my way downstairs and grabbed my bag.
As I ran through the door, my mom called out a quick "Have a good day, Joshua!"
Yeah right.
***
Walking into school was like walking into hell.
The only thing that made it better was seeing that familiar head of unruly brown hair.
"Matt!" I grinned and waved at him. Yea, I'm dating my best friend. So?
Matt headed towards me and instantly engulfed me in a bear hug.
"Josh, where have you been? I've missed you." Matt sighed and buried his face in my shoulder. He placed his hands on my hips and frowned, obviously feeling the thickness of the gauze.
"Josh..." He whimpered and hugged me tight. "Baby, please stop....please. You're worth so much more. Come on, let's go....we'll go back to my place, okay?" Matt tugged on my arm.
We made our way back outside and I didn't say a word.
I sat down in the passenger seat of Matt's car and whimpered. My hips were stinging and I could barely sit up. "Josh, we're only 5 minutes away. You're gonna be okay. I'll take care of you, I promise." God, I love Matt so much.
He reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it gently. Matt had always been protective, even when we were just friends. Ever since Matt found out about my self harm issue, He'd become overly protective and attatched. I don't mind though.
As we pulled up to Matt's house, I breathed a sigh of relief noticing that his parents weren't home.
"Matt?" I bit my lip and looked over at him. He smiled softly and reached over to brush my bangs out of my eyes.
"Yes, Josh?" Matt's brown eyes were full of concern and worry.
"Thank you...so much. I don't know if I would even be alive without you." I bit down on my lip harder, holding back tears. Matt gives a reason to live. If it weren't for him, I probably would've over-dosed on heroin way back.
Matt lifted up my hand and kissed across my knuckles.
"Joshua Ramsay, you are so very welcome. I love you so much. Don't you dare ever leave me."
Don't you dare ever leave me...
Those words echoed around in my head until I fell into a deep sleep when I finally slumped down onto Matt's bed.
