Letting Go

Chapter 7

Laying in bed, I stared up at my ceiling thinking about what happened a few nights before. Elson and I had our first meeting outside of school, and aside from being late, I cried in front of him. I am so incredibly beyond embarrassed about everything that happened that day. Thoughts of him hugging me tightly, being so patient with me when I explained everything and the dinner itself filled my head. Covering my face, I felt my face become warm at the thought of his arms wrapped around me. I need get my shit together. That cannot happen again. Rolling on my side, I peaked through my fingers and looked at the time. 2:30am.

A hour had past and I went back into the position I started in. My hands moved away from my face and I placed them on my chest which soon started to feel as if heavy weights were putting pressure there. My eyes burned with tears threatening to spill and no matter how hard I tried to think of something happy, I couldn't. Nothing I could think of could take my mind off of the embarrassing situation I put myself in once I open my door a few days ago. Why did I do that? Why couldn't I just pull myself together? Closing my eyes, I held back my tears and my hands clutched my shirt. Just a hour ago I felt like I was fine, but now my body just feels heavy. I feel like I'm suffocating, but I'm breathing just fine.

After taking a couple of deep breaths and managing to control my breathing, I laid in my bed trying to think of anything but that dinner. I'm not sure what the time was, but it felt like as soon as I was about to close my eyes, my alarm went off. I reached over and shut my alarm off and I ended up laying my side again. I don't want to go to school. I can't face him again. After the dinner with Elson, the weekend came and we didn't see each other. He texted me saying that he had something to do and that he'll make it up to me on Monday, which he did. On Monday he made me lunch, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was great, but every morning since that diner I've woken up feeling disgusted and angry at myself for letting go like that in front of him.

We have so many classes together and he hasn't brought up what happened. On Tuesday and Wednesday he just acted the way he normally does. He hasn't changed since the dinner and he hasn't started acting differently towards me. So why do I feel this way? I wanted to get up and move around and start getting ready for school, but I just couldn't. I laid in my bed staring at the clock a watched as each minute passed by. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, but the feeling of weights on my chest never went away. Even in my sleep, I could still feel the weight on my chest.