Something New

Praying to the ceiling

Sitting here with this gun to my brain.
With my thoughts like a train.
I ain't gonna frame it.
I not a Saint I can't pray it.
But I'm afraid if I don't say it because I truly contemplate it.
What if he's there and he could hear my praying

What would I say?

If I just stop for minute on my knees coz he's listening.
What should I say.
I can't ask for forgiveness I can't take it he ain't listening I'm not worth it;I ain't stupid.
But would you chat for a minute I just need someone who will listen.
Someone to talk to.
I just don't want to feel stupid talking to the ceiling hoping that your listen but this silence is murder.
So instead Imma kneel to the ground hold my breath.
Let it out.
Clear my throat.
Spit it out.
Take a sec.
Look up high.
I bite my tongue.
I'm to shy.
Now I'm walking away from all the sins I hide.
Trying not to cry but I hide it deep inside.
I'm not a victim it's a crime I made my decision it's my time.
But my prison and my bars isn't something you can just see.
I'm trapped I'm my head with a life I regret.
With a sentence Im not defending with a court in my visions.
In the jury I'll be sitting.
As I call out my name from the judges position
Im not a murder or theif I didn't leave someone dying in the streets. I'm just a man trying to make peace.
Trying to fit in with what society permits.
But I will stand be-for this whole court and tell you I'm guilty.