The 4 Day Cycle

August 23rd, 2018.

Yesterday was the day I lost you. I lost you because of my selfishness and I didn't even realize it at all when we were together. I realize now I made one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life and I regret it, I regret it a whole lot. I should've been there for you instead of the other way around, but I forgot my self. I forgot who I was and took on an entire new identity while you took on mine, and that's not what I wanted to happen at all. This going to be my journal and everyday I will write something so that when you contact me again, you'll know what's happened with me. And the day we start talking again, I'll stop writing in this journal. Well to start off, Ive decided to start working out and eat healthy today, I'm still brushing my teeth and taking showers regularly (because I don't want to smell bad). I did 5 push-ups (attempted) and did 20 sit ups today! I'm proud of my self. I can't wait to see my progress later! I'm doing all this because I know you would want me to better myself, even if you're not here with me. Oh! And then I had to fill out a questionnaire to see if I'm ADHD or not, I have to hand it in next week. Just as I was about to go to bed, your friend told me to play league with you! I was super excited and jumped out of bed! I lied to him but I forced my self because I wanted to play with you. I didn't succeed in making you laugh but I'm going to keep trying.

August 24th, 2018.

I woke up at 7AM today, a little late then when I usually wake which is around 5-6 but my plans still haven't changed. I woke up, ate some grapes and a bun then started doing my workouts, it's pretty basic but it's what I know and what I can do. So what I did was; 5 push-ups, 20 sit-ups and 30 squats, I realized I should've done them yesterday but I'm working day by day. I've also realized that it wasn't just my fault, it was both ours, let me explain.
We had miscommunication the entirety of being together, you didn't tell me what I was doing wrong, and I didn't talk to you about what was wrong when you told me you were depressed. You hid your problems from me so that I could tell you about mine (which wasn't the intention to begin with). There's so much more but that's the gist of it, it wasn't fair on both our end. I think the saying "It takes to tango" is very fitting for this (8:01 AM)

It's been running through my mind all day, what you said to me yesterday. "Do you hate me?". I answered with "No." because I meant it, I don't hate you, not at all. But why has it been running through my mind? Because there was still a piece of you there, you cared about how others felt about you and how I felt about you. You hit your friend in the balls too, which means you still felt anger, which means you still care and have feelings. It's just a matter of time before you open up again, I know you will... I know you will (4:48 PM)

I was talking with your friend, and he told me you've only told him about what you've done in the past, but I know you told me as well. I know what you did in the past, because we sat there talking about it on the phone about what you used to do, but you never did tell me that it broke you, or did you? You also told me what you did. The drinking, staying in your room. You told me about it, even if I can only piece together the memory, I know you have. I also know because you've told me that you have only told ONE other person about it, and that was your ex, well, you told me too and you told me to promise you to never use that against you, to not think of you differently, and I said to you, I wouldn't because it was the past. I'm hoping you come out of this soon, I really do (5:11 PM) "I don't know if I should tell you this..." says you "You can trust me with anything, remember? I won't judge you" I said, "Well I've only told one person about this and that was my ex" you told me and I responded with "You can tell me anything" I reminded you, "Well ...." that is how I remember the conversation going.

I'm going to bed now but, I asked your friend to keep me updated on you, I hope he does. I hope things get better. (9:04 PM)

August 25th, 2018.

I woke up at 7AM again today! Not my usual time to wake up but it's whatever because I'm still up early. So the first thing I see is a message from your friend telling me that you called him in the middle of the night, and telling you "I hate my self, I don't deserve to live anymore". That hurt him and that hurt me emotionally. You're a great person and you deserve to live, don't hate your self either because everyone deserves to be loved and should love them selves! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! On a better note, bad transition I know, but I ate a bun and had some water and did some exercises like I did yesterday. I did 5 push-ups, 20 sit-ups and 40 squats! I'm increasing my squats everyday but push-ups I can't increase because I'm not strong enough to even do more than five, and for sit-ups, I'll increase them by 5 next week! You're my motivation for this, I hope you know that (7:42 AM)

I've been thinking of ways to bring you back, and the only thing I can think of from what I can do is, music. Music is very powerful in how it can reach people. If the music can reach to you, then that means that music is the answer to everything. I sent your friend NEFFEX - Trust me with a certain quote retaining to what you said yesterday, I hope this works, I really do (4:50 PM)

Well, it's around that time again where I go to bed, and I'm not going to lie, my trust issues kicked in. I don't really trust your friend, not that he's a bad person or anything, but I feel like when you do get better, he's going to try and say that I wasn't there for you or I didn't do anything to help you. He seen my message about sending you that song (NEFFEX- Trust Me) and hasn't replied to me yet. So I took it upon my self to screenshot our conversations, both the Discord and Instagram conversations just in the event that he tries removing them (or in any case, block me to remove them). They are dated to when they were taken so that you can know the exact dates of when and what happened. Anyways, I need to go get some rest for tomorrow, doing the daily grind just as I promised (9:35 PM)

August 26th, 2018.

Seems to be that I wake up at 7 AM now! I got a message back from your friend and he told me that you don't really listen to music like that and the worst part.... music doesn't impact you anymore. I'm really trying here, I really am, but it seems every day gets even more harder to reach you. I just want you back, not as a girlfriend but as a friend, and slowly, day by day, I seem to be moving on from you, not because I want to, because I have to, and it's how my mental works. I really hope that you come through, I really do. Here's another bad transition but, I woke up, had some toast with butter (2 pieces) and some water, not much I know but its "breakfast" I guess? After that I did 5 push-ups, which I'm struggling to do in the first place but I'm trying. 25 Sit-ups and my stomach hurts plus arms feel like spaghetti, and I did 50 squats but got interrupted by my brother at 20 (Hate that guy... I'm kidding by the way!). I'm taking this seriously as possible and if you don't believe me, you can check my instagram when you're back! I've been posting daily about my progress! (I also took a shower as well!) But, I wish you were still here to help me, you knew apps that could help me get on the right track, but unfortunately, you're in this state. I hope you come back soon... (8:05 AM)    

I'm sorry, but your friend is not someone I like at all. I tried to be there for you but unfortunately, your friend isn't allowing that to happen. I'm still going to keep going with what I said I was going to do, with or without the thought of you. I'm sorry, I truly am (12:37 PM) 

Your friend is the type of person we joked about a while ago, it's funny too. He wants to get rid of people who hurt you, or that he doesn't like, basically controlling who you talk with which is a person who likes to control others.It's sad that he's like this but I have every single screenshot of our convo and you'll know that I didn't do anything wrong, it was just him trying to have you. I'll hate to see it when you don't accept him and he gets mad (12:51 PM)