We are all just a bunch of glow-sticks. We break beyond repair, thinking we will never get fixed or ever live again, but yet after the moment, we are broken we truly begin to shine. But, a small group of people are not glow-stick, but yet, bombs. When they snap they don’t light up, but yet explode.
This moment in the hospital with Ian, while my mothers in another room taking her last breath, I broke beyond repair. I was that glow-stick getting snapped. I didn’t know it at the time, but I would shine brighter than I ever imagine I could.
I will never forget that dark and lonely place I was put in when I was falling apart in that waiting room. I had only ever felt like that twice in my life and each time was caused by someone I cared about dying. I blamed myself for all of them, but this time was different. Instead of trying to bring my mother and myself out of the darkness, I allowed us to get swallowed alive by it. I had someone to drag me out of the darkness and into the light, but I waited too long to save her. I can just imagine her sitting on her floor sobbing as she holds a picture of my brother and father against her chest. Her rocking back and forth like I did when she was in my arms dying. She probably blamed herself just like I do. Then she had something snap inside. This snap was the beginning of the end. She got up and walked to the bathroom and grabbed that bottle of pills. She was the bomb. She had snapped and was going to explode.
To think, if I hadn’t met Ian I probably would have done the same thing.
He saved my life, but now he expects me to save the world. Well, not the world perse, but yet all of mankind.
He believes I can do it, but I don’t know how because I don’t even believe I can. Sometimes it feels like he knows something I don’t.
But what it is, I have no idea about.
Why can’t he just have normal expectations for me. But then again, he’s not normal. He might not know what “normal” is for our planet.
Ugh. I’m not upset at him for asking, because I know he is just doing his job. I’m just scared and worried that I won’t be able to do this.
What if I fail him and everyone else?
My mind’s racing. Overwhelming thoughts of failure make me close my eyes to try and keep tears from spilling onto the surface. I need to be strong, especially right now. I can’t waste time feeling bad on myself or being sad. I need to focus on the mission ahead.
“I need to do this for them”, I whisper under my breath. “They wouldn’t want their deaths to stop me. They would want me to continue on… for them”.
Tears slowly creeping out of my closed eyes and down my cheek. I frantically wipe them away as anger boils up to the surface. “How can I be so weak at this moment!!! I don’t have time for tears!!!”
The sound of gentle footsteps closing in on me just makes me wipe the tears away even more, but it doesn’t help because the tears fall even harder. It’s only been a week since she died and I can still feel the pain. “ I can’t be seen like this”. The footsteps stop directly in front of me, but I’m too ashamed to look up to see who it is. Next thing I knew, strong warm arms were wrapped around me pulling me into his broad muscular chest. Being in his arms felt like home.
He was just so welcoming and warm. He smelled of a mixture of a bonfire and spring rain. I
couldn’t tell if it was a natural scent or if its a cologne, but I have never smelt anything like this before.
His chin was resting on the top of my head and my ear was pressed against his chest. Thump-thumpthump-thump-thumpthump. His heartbeat was soothing. The only thought in my mind while listening to it is “to think, his heart beats just for me”.
