A Piece of Trash

Carman and Haimi and Cactus-mu and Isafrog

Carman pushed his hair back, running gel through the short but luscious strands. He checked himself out in the mirror, taking in his white hoodie and red sweat pants. He pulled a SnapBack on, pulling at his hitting lip with his thumb. He pulled out his flip phone and took a mirror selfie. After fiddling with photoshop for way too long, he uploaded the picture to his Facebook.
Carman adjusted his earplugs before starting his morning run of two metres. He ran the full stretch before collapsing. He was a panting mess and his chest hurt but he knew exercise was good for him. He pushed himself into a sitting position, bringing his knees to his chest. When he glanced up a hand was reached out to help him up. He took it, stumbling when he reached his feet.
"Hey, thanks, brother," he said, making weird hand gestures.
"Incest is wincest!" the girl talking to him said. She had crazy cat lady hair and body bags under her eyes. She giggled uncontrollably.
"Yo, what's yo problem, man? You cray or somethin'?" Carman asked, giving her a weird look. She knelt over and collapsed. She had died of laughter. "Get up, brother. I don't know CPA!" Her body shook and she woke with a start.
"Sorry," she giggled stupidly, "man."
"Yo, you scared me, brother! Don't do that, man!"
"I could just, like, kill you right now," she said with a distant look in her eyes. Now that he was making proper eye-contact, he was being weirded out by how wide her eyes were.
"Nah, but you wouldn't do that? I trust you like a brother!"
"But, like, I could, you know? Oh my god I should write about gay seals!" She whipped around crazily, tripping over her feet as she went, and took out her phone.
"Oh, isn't that one of those ones that can play music?" Carman asked with an excused tone. The girl giggled.
"You have a face."
"Yeah, I got a face. You got one too, right?" She sat up very suddenly.
"I need music!" she exclaimed. She started playing some music Carman didn't recognise or like. "STACY'S PETE HAS GOT IT GOING PETE."
"This ain't no music. Listen to this." He reaches over and took the phone. He poked the screen awkwardly and slowly, taking a totally of fifteen minutes to start playing Turn Down For What. "Yo, this music is rockin'. These are my jams, brother."
"It's like you and the DJ have a psychological connection!"
"Yeah, it is, ain't it?"
"Hey, Carman?" she asked, suddenly appearing intoxicated.
"How you know my name?"
"Because I see dead people." She widened her eyes.
"Well, whaz up?"
"Um, well Nails For Breakfast Tacks For Snacks... Tax for Snax... SNAX IS THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE FOUR CONTINENTS AND YOU SHOULD RESPEC HIM!"
"Who...?"
"What are you from like the 90s or something? Snax is OMG INSPIRATION!" she was pointing in a seemingly random direction.
"All that's there is a goat, yo," Carman said confusedly. "You ain't cray, right?"
"NO THERE'S A GOAT LOOK AT IT!!!"
"Yeah, there's a goat. It ain't exactly Ellen comin' out or anything."
"BABY GOATS ARE CALLED KIDS AND I SHOULD HAVE A SCENE WHEN SOME DUDE IS ALL LIKE "YO, I WANNA KID" AND THEN HIS BOYFRIEND GIRLFRIEND IS ALL LIKE. "KAY" AND GETS A GOAT AND CALLS IT GOAT STEVE!!!!"
"You gotta tell me more than that, man."
"Oh, right, yeah," she seemed like she was about to say more but she was distracted by a girl sitting on a bench. "That bitch."
"Don't be using that kinda language! That woman over there's-"
"DID YOU JUST ASSUME HER GENDER? DID YOU JUST OPPRESS MY WIFE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?"
"Your wife? Gay marriage ain't legal tho, right?"
"THAT I SO ABLEIST YOU POTATO!!!"
"Cactus-muuuuuuu!" the previously mentioned "bitch" whined at the girl sitting on the bench next to her. "Cactus-mu" turned her eyebrows up at the crazy girl that had just called the whining girl a bitch.
"'Sup Haimi?" she asked, moving her arm so it was around the whining girl. She was wearing a long black cloak and a fedora. "Carman?" Carman and Haimi both gasped.
"It's the original," they both whispered. They shit each other shooketh looks.
"Yo, but if the original's here then who's runnin' the body, yo?" Carman asked quietly but not quietly enough.
"We're probably ASLEEP OR DEAD ON ARRIVAL!" Haimi screamed at the tøp of her lungs lungs lungs.
"YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the whining one screamed. The original touched her shoulder.
"You're such a good seener, babe," she said.
"I know."
"I'm gonna roll my eyes so hard the fall out of my skull," Haimi exclaimed. She then proceeded to do that and plop then back in her face with a giggle.
"I'M GAY!" the whining one whined.
"Yo, who're you?" Carman asked the whining one.
"This is Isafrog," the original explained. "We've spent enough time with her that she's a voice in our head now."
"IT'S AESTHETIC, CARMAN," Isafrog said, fixing her waistcoat. Haimi widened her eyes and took them out.
"Hold these," she said, giving them to Carman. "The light from my phone screen hurts my eyes." She pulled out her phone. "Why can't I see my phone?"
"Because you pulled your eyes out of your skull, dumbass," a girl said coldly, her eyes fixed in an intense glare.
"Alright, Miss. Dead Inside," Haimi said with a roll of her eyes. Carman dropped them at their sudden movement, wiping eye juice on his sweatpants. A zombie stumbled by.
"In your head, in your head," the zombie growled as it passes by. Haimi sucked her eyes back in through a bendy straw. A basic trap song started playing from the phone in Carman's hand and he dropped down and started break dancing.
"I'm cooooold warm me!!!" Isafrog exclaimed, tugging at the sleeve of the original. Cactus-mu wrapped her arms around Isafrog.
"The world is meaningless," Miss. Dead Inside said blankly. "Life is meaningless."
"AND WHEN YOU DIE THE ONLY SALVATION YOU'LL SEE IS TWO FOOT WIDE AND SIX FOOT DEEP," Haimi screamed, incorporating voice cracks the entire Way through.
"READ MY FANFICTIONS AT CRIMSON107 ON WATTPAD!!!!" a girl with a megaphone yelled as she walked by.
And then they fucked. The end. You're welcome.

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Author note:
And this is why I hate myself. Why did I feel the need to write this? Oh, that's right, I'm the worst. Makes sense.