The Girl Who Whispered (A Short Autobiography on Selective Mutism)

Selective Mutism (SM)

***The 1:18 minute video just explains what SM is.***
   *** Selective mutism (SM) is an anxiety disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech cannot speak in specific situations or to specific people. Selective mutism usually co-exists with shyness or social anxiety.***
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   Back in elementary, I was quiet. But not just "quiet." To everyone, I was basically "the girl who whispers." "The girl that doesn't talk." You get the idea.

   I had selective mutism (description above if you need that).*** It's a very rare anxiety disorder. It made me unable to speak in certain situations. Namely, school.
   I didn't have SM as bad as some of the other children, adolescents, or even some adults have it. Most people with this anxiety disorder aren't able to talk at all in these situations. I was at least able to whisper for most the time. I was also scared to eat in front of others at school. People don't realize that this disorder tends to affect other aspects of your life as well, not just the talking (or lack thereof).

   I was fine in preschool. I talked regularly. I don't know what changed.

   School #1 now for kindergarten and elementary years 1-4 (different from my preschool school).
   I used to be silent for the first part of kindergarten, but around the late start/middle of the year I realized that it was extremely difficult on everyone (including me) with my inability to talk. I knew I needed to talk.
   It wasn't convenient in a school setting. So gradually I went from writing on paper (I could write and read well from a young age) or nodding and shaking my head to later on very very quiet whispering. But, I would only whisper to my teacher. I still only nodded around my peers.
   By the end of that year, I could quietly whisper to my peers and the other teachers as well. Now it wasn't exactly easy to get to that point, but I'm thankful I did.

   By the time first grade rolled around, I was able to whisper a normal level whisper to everybody. This was the same in second grade.

But here we go with the worst memory of second grade. We had to read a poem to the class. Of course, I can't just whisper it to them. (In my later years, I'd just stand there while another kid read my speech to the class... it was embarrassing).
Anyway, I'd practice reading the poem at home. I guess was under the assumption I'd just stand there and whisper it or have another kid do it, who knows.
But when I practiced, it was with my dad in his music room. One day, close to our presentation day (some kids had already done theirs), I practiced with him again. He asked me to read the poem to him. So I did.
But what I didn't know was that he was recording me... he set up his music stuff to a recording setting without my knowledge. I trusted him, so I read the poem to him with my "real"/normal voice.
My dad gave me a CD later. He told me to give it to my teacher. I didn't know what it was, but I trusted him, so that next school day, I gave the CD to my teacher.
I sat down at my desk, expecting nothing.
That's when my teacher put the CD in. I don't remember what happened before this, cause all I remember is hearing my VOICE in that classroom.
Here I am, sitting in my chair, as I hear myself read a fucking poem about some chicken noodle soup river. The whole class is staring at me.
I'm traumatized. My code of silence has been breached.
I start sweating, crying, shaking. "But don't make a noise," I tell myself in my head. This was my first panic attack.
"Is that you?" A boy asks me.
I can't even shake my head.
"Is that your voice?" Another boy asks me.
I want to scream "NO!" But I can't.
The whole class heard me... they ALL know what my voice sounds like...
   I stopped talking the rest of that year. I couldn't even whisper anymore...

   This is... probably where my trust issues were born from.

   Third grade now. My mom tricked me into talking to my teacher. -_-
   We met her at McDonalds. She asked "are you Madison?" And I was like uhhhhhh how does she know that but "yeah" and she tells me that I'm her student for this next year. :/ Thanks, Mom. Now I don't trust you either.
   That being said, now that she's heard my voice, I'm able to TALK talk to her. But ONLY her. When we're alone. Because I'm confident around her, I'm able to loudly whisper in class. Even around the other kids.
"What is loud whispering?" you ask? Basically just try to whisper as loud as possible without a hint of your regular voice coming through. Yeah... that's pretty much it. No talking. No "quiet talking." Only whispering.
   My best friend since birth (she was also in my preschool class) moved into my third grade class mid-year. We hung out ALL the time, and she was literally a sister to me. I talked very freely around her like I did with my family. (I could talk normally to people at the grocery store, home, literally ANYWHERE BUT school. I could talk to her fine at home or her house, but at school? I could only whisper. Yes, even to her.