Title either makes me seem crazy or makes you think of a song, I know but honestly, I do talk to the moon sometimes. I talk to the stars as well. Especially when I'm feeling particularly blue, when I feel so small and remember that I'm incomplete. My heart and soul are not whole, I've lost half of who I am and I miss the one who made up that half of me.
I miss my fearsome protector, my guard against all the evil in the world, my teacher, my guiding light. I miss my father and I know it might be getting quite old news to some, if not all of you. I realize that and I do apologize. I don't expect anyone to actually read these posts, you know? I'm still learning to cope, even after 5 years. It sounds like it's been such a long time when I say it like that but living with this for all these years, it feels like such a short time ago and it still hurts so much. So, if you are reading this, I just ask you to bare with me? The dashed lines below are a signal that things may get sad.
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What's today's date now? Let me think. That's right. Today is 8/26/18. That means it's been five years, five months and however many days since 3/30/13. Seems like such a huge amount of time and it is, yet it also isn't.
There's been so many huge milestones in our lives that you've missed, you know? You missed four high school graduations, you missed bonding with your four grandkids...Dad, you've missed out on so much more that I can say. Memories that we didn't get to share with you. And it hurts.
The pain we carry, the pain I carry, it's just as fresh as the day you left us. It never lessens, never fades, it's always there. Like a cold, dark shadow that looms over us, that lives within us, and we can't get rid of it. We have learned to ignore it though, in a way. It gets pushed back as we focus on living, growing, discovering our futures but on nights that we have nothing to do, nothing to distract us, it makes itself known and we end up like this. Spilling secret sorrows and wishes to the moon and stars, silently hoping that somehow you can hear us though it's childish fantasy to believe as such. But it's a way to cope.
I don't know, I just really miss you and I wish I could hug you, actually talk to you. It's still so hard, Dad, going on without you but we're trying. We are trying for you and for mom and our family. To make everyone proud.
I love you, Dad. Even though you can no longer hear me.
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If you read this far, all I ask is that you please withhold judgement. I don't post this as a cry for attention. I post this because it's what I feel...Thank you.
