Ella ✔️

CHAPTER 12

When I got to the female restroom, I entered the second toilet -which was empty since it was a class period- and locked myself in. I couldn't hold the tears from pouring out.

I was instantly drenched in depression. It consumed every single bit of me, rendering me powerless and numb. I became thoughtless, as I let my tears roll down and their laughter and words get to me. I felt so different. I felt so uneasy and uncomfortable. My mind was burdened and heavy, making me restless. I walked out of the bathroom and started pacing, still crying. As I was pacing, I began to calm down and my mind began to wander. I rest on the cream wall, opposite the bathroom stall I was in and slide down. It was like, it was waiting for me to calm before it began again. Immediately I got to the floor and placed my head in between my hand, resting it on my kneel. A voice from within me began to whisper, ‘what are you living for? Look at yourself, no one will believe you. You have no future. Your friends won't want to mingle with you again, no one likes you. Who will like a rape victim like you? You're useless. Worthless. You don't deserve to be living’. And before I knew it, I began to repeat the same thing to myself. Why was I living? I didn't deserve to live. I was useless. Tears began to cloud my sight. My vision became blurry and my eye hot, as tears began to roll out. I wanted all of it to end. Every single bit of it. The voice within me, the unquenchable fear I was feeling, the pain I was feeling deep down and yet couldn't pinpoint it. I wanted to leave earth, leave this world, abandon life behind, and abandon every form of shaming. I wanted to be gone, gone from it all. So, I decided to do what I was best at. I got up from the floor, ran to class, jacked my back and began to make my way to the gate.

The gate woman tried to stop me and talk to me, but I ran past her and made my way home.

I didn't pause to greet anyone, I kept on running and crying until I got home.

I got home in less than an hour, so I sat in front of the house door and started thinking of ways to end it all. Ways to end it for both myself, my friends and my family members. I had begun to feel like a burden to them. They had to keep up with a rape victim. I'm sure my parents were ashamed of me, and I had spoilt their reputation.

My head was buried in my palms, which were on my laps. My palms were soaked and wet, from my unending tears.

The pains and uneasiness I was feeling within didn't stop, they only kept on increasing every second.

It was final, that day was the day I was ending it all.