One time thing

How it Started.

Alrighty so I'm a bit excited to share this suprisingly as it had a really odd way of starting so here it is.

I was the type of girl that would never imagine be with a girl and always with a boy, thinking that would be impossible for me and during my life I always liked boys and everything but looking back I remember it being odd in a way. In primary school my friend had a crush on a boy and me being young I wanted to do anything I can to fit it and be cool so I lied and said I also liked a boy so I was not only lying to my friend but to myself wanting to fit in. Fast forward a few years and I moved far away where I started high school and this is where it really starts to take off I guess.

When I started high school I saw this boy, let's call I'm Bob. I hated Bob in year 6 but in year 7 I grew to like him, alot. This was when I still didn't think I liked girls too so I went out with him. He was the first boy I actually liked and didn't force myself to like so I just went with it. While we were 'Going out' I was sitting next to a girl who was popular and everything and we never talked until she randomly started to draw on me 😂😂 I swear this is exactly how it goes. And that is how I started to question everything, I guess she was pretty and everything BUT why is it I started to question everything when she drew on me? Weird.

When I was questioning, I told my friend that I was confused and she was too but turned out to be straight and this is the part why I'm a bit nervous to tell my friends. I was young and confused about all this, I wasn't educated about this and was worried about it all honestly, what would my friends say? My parents? How would this effect my life. I knew nothing about what was happening and it was strange honestly. I never knew of Bisexuality, only Lesbian and Gay so at that time I was forcing a label upon myself even though that I was uncomfortable with labelling myself yet but I wanted to get over what I was going through! I didn't like that at all but then, I found the magical word: Bisexuality. For me it made sense, I liked a boy and I started to like a girl at that point but again, I was forcing myself in that spectrum of the LGBTQ+ community, I was still uncomfortable with labelling myself. I told my mother about how I think I was bisexual and she was understanding about it which I was grateful for but that uncomfortable feeling was still there.

Year 8 finally came around and I was settling in a tiny bit, I kept telling myself I'll know when the time comes around but I thought that it never would. I got caught up with it all that sometimes that's all I thought about, am I Lesbian?... Or bisexual? I eventually gave up contemplating unt I met her, my crush!! Who was a girl of course, and might I add still is, which put me way back to when this all started, the familiar feeling of worry crept up upon me and fright as that was all I was thinking about. Everytime I was near her I can't think straight, in a conversation I would always freeze and stutter and it was so embarrassing. This whole thing confused me, until I finally found out after weeks that.. I actually liked her!! I liked a girl. I was talking to her everyday over Instagram and I would always miss her. I knew I liked girls at that point in time but still forcing a label upon myself. Gay.. Or bisexual? Honestly I was sick of that thought by now. By this point Bob and I split up and he moved away bye bye! And I don't miss him honestly.. Oops? 😂

Me and my crush bonded and now we're the best of friends and honestly, my feelings have gotten stronger for her and I now know that I love her! I love her!!

Year 9 FINALLY came and I was still confused, but not confused on weather I was gay or bisexual. I was confused if I now like boys too. I was a bit uneducated about bisexuality and didn't know people had leans towards genders so I was sooo very confused. Until I found out they do, I was happy in a way. About a year ago I found Wattpad and here there are many LGBTQ+ people which helped me figure out who I was but I never asked, I was afraid in a way. Weird I know. My story does not end there as even this day, this minute I am still confused about my Sexuality but I'm more accepting than I was 3 years ago, I am a definite Girl lover but not so sure about men, I'm still uncomfortable with labelling myself but slowly and surely in leaning towards bisexual and with a female lean and I am not afraid to talk about it here as I know I have people that support me. Let me talk about it and be me.

I forgot to add, someone at school knows about it, knows that I might be bisexual but thank GOD she promised not to tell anyone.

Now, here is another addition to the story, my gender identity.  Oh boy.

Well, during this year I found out I was jealous. I was starting to get jealous of boys and their chest, masculine arms and facial hair. I wish I had all those things, I wish I had facial hair and masculine arms, I wish I had their chest but no. I'm a girl. I don't have those things. I was very confused by that, why did I want those things when all these years I was happy being a girl? Who knows. But I do now now about Gender fluid. I knew about binding but never wanted it but now, I'll do anything for binding 😂 but ahem, anyway. I know two people that are Gender fluid, one is a good friend of mine and the other is only someone I don't overly know. So I asked my friend and she helped me realised that I could be who I thought I was, maybe Gender fluid. I asked my mum and she said I could be both which made sense!!!

To this day I am happy, happy I have people who help me, let me talk about it and everything. I am still questioning but I am not forceful anymore. I am me and I am proud of that.

That is just the beginning of my story.

Thanks!