If I Could Fly. // h.s. au

Five

Harry's POV

~May 9,2015~

Am I asleep, am I awake or somewhere in between?

"Harry!" Someone rapped their fist relentlessly against my door. "Harry, come on. You've been in there all night!"

I shifted my gaze to the other side of the room, indifferent to the voice coming from outside. I may have been in here all night and I'll be in here until morning if that's what it takes to clear my mind enough to get this stupid song on paper. No I knew that if I stayed here, in front f this desk in this dark room all alone like I have for weeks trying to come up with lyrics, it wouldn't happen.

The knocking didn't ease up and I knew it wouldn't. A heavy sigh escaped my lips and I shoved my chair away from my desk. My eyes glided past my broken leather bag and I grabbed it as my feet carried me to the door.

Liam practically fell into me when I swung the door open without warning. "We have to catch a four o'clock flight in the morning mate, the least you can do- hey!"

I shoved past Liam and walked through the flat, making a beeline for the front door. I felt all the boys' eyes on me as I came into the open living room.

"What's going on?" Louis asked, his eyes darting between me and then to Liam coming after me a few feet behind.

"I'm leaving."

"Leaving?" Niall's small voice came from the kitchen. He walked into the living room, a steaming cup of tea in his hand. "Ted told us to stay in tonight."

I stopped, a few inches from the door. I felt Liam's tenseness radiating just behind me. I turned to face my mates, a mixture of feelings churning inside my brain but none of them clear enough to help me make a better decision.

"No," Clarity was never a strong suit with this group. "I'm leaving."

A strange gloss sheened Niall's bright eyes and I felt a pit drop in my chest.

"What? What do you mean?" He looked to Louis desperately. "Like Zayn?" His voice was even smaller.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but my lack of words dissolved into a simple shake of my head. Louis stared at me blankly.

"No, Niall," Liam cut in reassuringly. He put his hand out to Niall and looked back to me. "Right, Harry?"

"Oh, let it off." My head snapped to Louis, who was now arched forward, his arms crossed his chest. "You know this is a loose cause, quit acting so surprised."

"What do you mean?" Niall squeaked.

"Shut up, Louis you don't know what you're saying." Liam snapped.

"Sure I do." Louis retorted. There was something in his voice that threw me on edge. Nothing sinister necessarily, but also something there that made me feel uneasy. His piercing stare never broke away from me. "Don't I, Hazza?"

The question was more of a matter-of-fact statement. And I knew not to argue with Louis. He out of anyone could tell what I wanted or what I was thinking. He knew me better than I knew me.

"I'm not trying to hurt anyone."

My voice didn't sound like my own. It sounded far away, distant and cold. Emotionless. Matching everything I felt inside. Nothing.

Stop that, I scolded myself.

"No of course not," Louis's voice clipped at the end. "But it doesn't mean it won't pan out that way and you know it."

"I just need some time to-to... think! To do something." I ran a hand through my hair, stress and discomfort fighting for my thoughts.

"But what about us?" Liam's voice was raising, I could see Niall flinch out of the corner of my eye. "Were you just going to leave us out to dry?"

"No, I-"

"Don't bother, Harry." Liam paced toward the couch and back. "If you wanted an out, you could've just told us. We could've planned for this."

"I'm not trying to just walk out!" I couldn't help the anger rising in my voice. "I just want to find out who I'm supposed to be, Li. Can't you understand that? I can't do that here!"

Liam just shook his head and turned away from me.

"But what about New York? Next month?" Niall spoke, and I couldn't help the guilt I felt when his voice broke. "They said things would get better..."

I looked at Niall, and for a second all I could see standing there was a sixteen year old boy, shaggy blonde hair, crooked teeth and all, doing what he loved and hoping to go somewhere for it. He never changed to me. He was still in his X-Factor days, running on pure happiness of actually been given the chance to be someone. This band was the most important thing to him and I knew that. I remembered how it was when Zayn left. It absolutely broke him. He wouldn't eat for days but he never wanted to be alone. Even months later he couldn't sing Zayn's parts without breaking down on stage.

"Niall I- I'm sorry." I mentally kicked myself at how pathetic I sounded.

That was it? An apology for what I was about to do to them? I looked at each of the boys and remembered all the great memories we made together. We made it here together. I knew I couldn't forget that. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't feel anything. I knew I loved these boys more than anything but I couldn't feel it anymore. It was like I woke up from a coma and the doctors drilled me on everything I should know and remember but it still meant nothing to me. My eyes met Louis's again and I felt an awful stinging sensation build up in my chest.

"I just need a little bit of time," The words came from my mouth slowly. "I just need some time."

I felt myself take a couple steps backward. That strange panic started to ebb its way into my mind again and I felt myself starting to lose control of my thoughts. This happened to me often, but I was usually alone. The feeling of being trapped mixed with emptiness and anger all began to boil together.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, taking a sharp breath in attempt to make sense of reality.

"I'll be back for New York."

With that I spun around and whipped open the front door and let my feet and my overwhelming thoughts carry me far away. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing, I just knew I needed away from here, from all this. I just needed quiet.

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